Day 69: Family......

The further and further I go down this path of inquiry and self-awareness, the easier it becomes to be compassionate and loving toward myself.

This weekend I went to New York to celebrate my grandma's 85th (!) birthday. A few days before the dinner, I found myself getting totally anxious about said dinner. Ever heard of the term "undifferentiated family ego mass?" These words kept ringing in my ears all week. It means what it sounds like....when your family dynamics pretty much become their own entity and you can't separate from the patterns you've been participating in since childhood. Yikes.

I love my family. Everyone is very loving, but also very loud, blunt, opinionated, and INTENSE. Not so easy for a quiet and pretty sensitive person like myself, especially when I was a kid. At dinner, I started having memories of being at family (read: food) functions, and just stuffing my face. Totally overeating and not understanding why. But now I get it: it was an escape from the intensity of it all. Now that I see it for what it was, I don't have to feel angry or frustrated, or like I'm intrinsically flawed. I was a little kid, and I coped the best way that I could at the time.

It was really tempting to just break my 100 Day guidelines on Saturday night, say "Fuck It," and binge out on Italian food. But I am so committed to this blog and to you readers, and also to seeing what's on the other side of reacting and covering up my emotions with food. So instead, I just sat there and took it all in. I noticed how I felt when everyone was eating their first course and I was still waiting for my main dish (uncomfortable). I noticed how I felt when people started to get into a debate about something (like I wanted to hide). I noticed how I felt about biting into a breadstick that I immediately realized was not vegan (like I fucked up). I noticed how I felt about not being able to control that we were eating very late at night and that eating this meal was going to mean me going over my preferred calorie amount for that day (annoyed and bothered).

But the best part was me realizing how flexible I've become. Very different from my meltdowns in high school when I was on weight watchers (oh yes there will be another blog on that) and literally went into hysterical cry-fests if I was not in control of my food for even just one moment.

I had some bread, shared some appetizers, and ate had half of my meal. Not perfect and more calories than I would've liked, but it didn't send me into a raging binge. And in my head, I said things like, "It's ok. You are a divine light, and you are still beautiful no matter how much you eat." I know that abstaining from sugar and going vegan seems so strict, but it has somehow shown me the way to being more flexible and more gentle with myself, and I am so grateful.

Now I'm home, and I can go back to my normal routine and foods that I feel really good about eating. It might just sound like a family dinner, which isn't that big of a deal, but it is actually pretty amazing that I broke away from my "undifferentiated family ego mass," as well as my own habit of bingeing, and just ate a regular meal. AWESOME.

I've Lost Track of Days....

Isn't it amazing how one minute we can feel on top the world, perfect, like an expression of divine love and bliss....and the next, we can feel small, like crap, and less than worthy of all the goodness that there is?

I had one of those moments this afternoon. After a week or so of feeling fantastic about myself, my life, and my body, today I had a wave of BLAH. BLAH feels like me forgetting that I'm a participant in this perfectly imperfect playground called life, that the universe has my back, and that the ebbs are just as important as the flows. Deep breath.

So many people have asked me if I'm still going strong on my 100 days, and I'm happy to report that I am! Even through all my travel and crazy schedule this month, I've managed to stand strong in my new food habits. Sure, a tiny amount of sugar did happen, but the point of this is not to be rigid and harsh with myself, it's to create guidelines that serve me best and allow me to remember my wholeness.

The truth is that I will forget. And then I will remember. And that's the nature of the mind, and it's ok. I'm so lucky to have all of my friends and family to remind me of why I'm writing this blog in the first place: to encourage all of us to stand in our own power, to face our demons, and to live in the sunshine. Wow, I sound like a freaky-deaky new age yoga lady :)

Thank you all so much for the support and for reading! The blog hiatus is over and I'm happy to say that I'm still going strong!

Days 45-50: DAY FIFTY - Whoa!

Today is Day 50! I can hardly believe it!

My life has become a whirlwind of teaching, friends, school, travel, and reflection. I can truly say that being grounded and abstinent around food makes all the chaos (good chaos) much easier to keep up with.

This weekend I spent time in New York just visiting with my grandma, taking yoga classes at Jivamukti, and chilling out. I really enjoyed the time I spent on my bus rides to and from the city because I rarely have a block of time to myself to just relax, read, listen to music, and daydream.

While I was in New York, I thought a lot about how there's no way I'm going to stop what I'm doing after Day 100. I can honestly say that abstaining from sugar and other trigger foods has radically changed my life. I am so much happier now, and my former mantra, "Everything in my life is perfect and wonderful except for my relationship with food, which fucking sucks and makes the rest of the good stuff not as good as it could be if I could just get it together with eating and love myself...." is gone. Truly incredible.

I also spent a lot of time reflecting on the evolution of my eating habits over the last 50 days. Where I feel myself moving towards is a really healthy and whole place, where I eat for nourishment and don't bother putting things in my body that don't really have a purpose. I know this is not for everyone. I know so many people who can eat a piece of chocolate just because it's tasty and pleasant, and if you are one of those people, enjoy!

But I am not one of those people. In New York, I went to brunch with my grandma and after eating got a little vegan pastry to go...it had no sugar and no animal products, so I figured, "why not?" But after I ate it, I didn't feel very happy about it. It didn't make me feel good, and I realized I was eating it to prove that I could eat something not super healthy and be "normal" like everyone else. So there's the voice again, the one that feels not good enough or not normal or not the same.

But I see it for what it is now, and I'm becoming much more interested in just doing what feels right for me. I took the pastry experience and got something out of it, and I did my best not to beat myself up for it. There will always be experiences like this as long as I am alive. It's part of being human, and I would be misguided to believe that I'm someday going to become perfectly balanced and make the right choice every single time. I'm not.

I'm starting to like all the mistakes, the learning, the growth, the ebb and flow. It's all good.

Days 43 & 44: Greeeeeeeeeeeeeen!

Green smoothies ahoy!

Apparently I'm so psyched about my green drinks that I'm going pirate.

Anyways, I was very inspired by my friend Leslie's latest nutrition video on green smoothies, and they've become a part of my diet this week. (P.S. Leslie is a kick-ass yoga teacher & health coach...check out her website linked above!)

In my smoothies, I use Garden of Life's raw protein powder, which contains 17 grams of natural protein per serving! Perfect for a non-meat eater like me. Then I add in a cup of almond milk (you could use any nut milk), a big handful of spinach leaves, and a banana. I also tried frozen pineapple instead of the banana one day, but I prefer fresh fruit and the banana makes it nice and thick.

Drinking something green makes me feel vibrant and ALIVE!

Another suggestion: add in half an avocado for the same creamy effect as the banana. Yum.

If you have any other smoothie recipes or ideas, please comment below!