Hey, peeps!
All has been quiet on the blog front because all has been easy & smooth (for once)!
I usually don't feel the need to write/spew/purge my feelings when life is humming along gracefully, but I've had an especially funky food week, so here I am.
I did something really (really) stupid this week, and I did it twice. I guess I'm a slower learner. I went to two holiday parties with this thought in my head: "I am not going to eat at this party. There will be tons of food and delicious snacks and everyone else will be enjoying them, but I will not eat one bit. I'm just gonna mindcontrol the hell outta this situation and overcome. I can do it."
Whaa???
Now that I write it here, I see how truly asinine these thoughts are. But at the time, I really believed I could do it. Turns out willpower is finite, my friends, and I could not. Fine, so I'll eat at a holiday party like everyone else does in the winter months. BUT herein lies the problem: Once I say that kind of thing to myself, I am setting myself up for a binge. I am creating huge, ridiculous, absolutely ludicrous expectations for myself that I cannot possibly meet. And once I realize that there's no way I'm going to be surrounded by delicious food and a party atmosphere and not eat, I realize that I suck and I'm not perfect like I was expecting I'd be. Let the bingeing begin.
Eating until I'm full, and then eating some more. Because hey, I already fucked this day up so I might as well really go for it and just feel as shitty as possible. I can go back to "normal" tomorrow.
It is amazing how even after this long, even after all of my soul-searching, my yoga practice, my 100 days, my self-awareness practice.....even after all of that, I become my 15 year old self again who is totally lost and caught up in a diet-binge-diet whirlwind cycle. UGH.
The good news is that I know what's up. I've been here before and I'll probably be back. No surprises in this story.
The bad news is that it really doesn't feel good, even though I know I have it in me to get back on track and keep on learning to love myself.
It's a strange thing, this tendency toward self-destructiveness and setting myself up to fail. But it's my teacher. It's how I learn and grow. It's how I keep moving forward. I'm not perfect and I need to remember that, over and over again.
Thank you, blog friends, for letting me share. It is more helpful than you know.
xoxo
Nina
All has been quiet on the blog front because all has been easy & smooth (for once)!
I usually don't feel the need to write/spew/purge my feelings when life is humming along gracefully, but I've had an especially funky food week, so here I am.
I did something really (really) stupid this week, and I did it twice. I guess I'm a slower learner. I went to two holiday parties with this thought in my head: "I am not going to eat at this party. There will be tons of food and delicious snacks and everyone else will be enjoying them, but I will not eat one bit. I'm just gonna mindcontrol the hell outta this situation and overcome. I can do it."
Whaa???
Now that I write it here, I see how truly asinine these thoughts are. But at the time, I really believed I could do it. Turns out willpower is finite, my friends, and I could not. Fine, so I'll eat at a holiday party like everyone else does in the winter months. BUT herein lies the problem: Once I say that kind of thing to myself, I am setting myself up for a binge. I am creating huge, ridiculous, absolutely ludicrous expectations for myself that I cannot possibly meet. And once I realize that there's no way I'm going to be surrounded by delicious food and a party atmosphere and not eat, I realize that I suck and I'm not perfect like I was expecting I'd be. Let the bingeing begin.
Eating until I'm full, and then eating some more. Because hey, I already fucked this day up so I might as well really go for it and just feel as shitty as possible. I can go back to "normal" tomorrow.
It is amazing how even after this long, even after all of my soul-searching, my yoga practice, my 100 days, my self-awareness practice.....even after all of that, I become my 15 year old self again who is totally lost and caught up in a diet-binge-diet whirlwind cycle. UGH.
The good news is that I know what's up. I've been here before and I'll probably be back. No surprises in this story.
The bad news is that it really doesn't feel good, even though I know I have it in me to get back on track and keep on learning to love myself.
It's a strange thing, this tendency toward self-destructiveness and setting myself up to fail. But it's my teacher. It's how I learn and grow. It's how I keep moving forward. I'm not perfect and I need to remember that, over and over again.
Thank you, blog friends, for letting me share. It is more helpful than you know.
xoxo
Nina
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