Addiction is a Nine Letter Word

Every day since the 100 Days have been up, I've had the following thought: "Well, now my commitment is over so I'm allowed to eat whatever I want. No one is watching me anymore, or rooting for me, so maybe I'll just go back to eating all the foods I used to eat."

Each day this week it's been harder and harder for me to resist sugar and today I finally caved. And this taught/confirmed two things for me: 1. that I am a food addict, and 2. that I must really care about what others think because without the external support or the feeling that I'm accountable to others in my food choices, I don't make healthy choices. Oh hi, more work on self-love. Will I ever be done with you??

I ate coconut macaroons. It was very reminiscent of the ice cream incident back in December. They were delicious and I felt like shit eating them. I also could not stop eating them. I felt compulsive, I felt gross, I felt out of control, and I felt like I was relapsing. I felt like an alcoholic having a glass of wine. It's probably time to really commit to OA.

So...I guess now that the 100 Days are up, I have to commit to abstaining from sugar because I'm an addict and because I want my life to be happy, not because anyone is cheering me on or because I come up with an arbitrary number of days to try this abstinence thing on for size. I already did those things, so now's the real deal. I guess this is where the real work starts....

WHOA.