Part of this 100 Days is to explore this possibility. For a really, really (really) long time, I have tried to work around, work with, work through, and work on my relationship with food. But I always end up in the same place: not happy, feeling out of control, and not-as-good as everyone else (side note: I could write an entire book on feeling not good enough). But none of the ways in which I explored my disordered eating took into account that I maybe have food addiction, and that abstinence, not moderation, is the path to freedom.
Three nights ago I ate a small bowl of ice cream. Just one bowl. I didn't go back for seconds, or eat the whole container. But it didn't matter, because I felt so terrible and shameful and awful and scared that I would relapse into my binge-diet-binge cycle, that I called my friend crying about it. And I realized: if eating certain foods are this painful for me, I should just stop. I should just give up trying to feel ok when I eat ice cream, because I don't think I'm ever going to. And that is just a part of me; this problem is just a part of me, and it doesn't mean I am bad or less-than or fucked up, it just means I am going to stop eating ice cream, and other "trigger foods."
This week in my yoga classes I am teaching ahimsa, which means non-violence or non-harming. This 100 Day project is my way of practicing ahimsa towards myself. I am giving up the fight, and it's just an experiment. I want to know what will happen when I just give up all of the foods that I have such an emotional connection with, and instead eat foods that my body needs. I don't think I'm being extreme or crazy, I think I am just tired of being in pain around food, and I am trying something new. I don't know what will happen, and just like yoga, it will be a practice in being present and accepting myself as I am, right now.
Wow Nina, I had no idea. I'm always so surprised when I find out that beautiful, fit people (like you) have the same kinds of food & body image issues that I have. You have all my love and support. Good luck on your journey. - Paula
ReplyDeleteThank you, Paula. I am amazed at all the people who are writing to me after reading and saying that they can relate. I hope we can all support each other!
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely one of those people who relate. I struggle so much with my body image, but I also have HUGE physical highs and lows that I believe are connected to the way I eat. I can feel dizzy, depressed, swollen, sick and/or high, elated, and satisfied after eating a meal. I love food, but I hate the way it controls me. I often wonder if the anxiety and depression I feel is connected to the foods I eat. I can't imagine how it would feel to love myself, have stable blood sugar and a clear mind, and to be free of anxious/depressed thoughts. I am curious if your journey will reveal some insights on this level. I am scared that I would never be strong enough to give up this roller coaster relationship, but I'll be cheering you along (and hopefully inspired to make a change in my own life). Thank you for sharing your journey!
ReplyDeleteAshlie, thank you for sharing. Honestly, before I did the week long cleanse that inspired this blog, I also never thought that I could be happy and food-drama-free. I've struggled with body image my entire life, and up until recently I really thought it was about the food. What I'm finding, though, is that it has nothing to do with food. It's about my mind and my thoughts, and if eliminating certain foods can help me eliminate shitty thought patterns, it's worth exploring. Love to you beautiful woman!! xx
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