Do you ever feel like you are over something, donezo, moved on, grown past it, and then...BOOM! all of a sudden there you are doing something you thought you were done with?!
That just happened to me.
I've had a really easy time with food for the past few weeks, and it's been refreshingly awesome. So awesome that I caught myself thinking, a couple of times, "maybe this is the new ME! maybe i'm healed FOREVER!"
hahaha little yogi...nothing is permanent :)
The rest of the time, by the way, my thoughts went like this: "This is amazing and I'm so so so grateful and I know this is just one part of the flow wave, but it's really beautiful, and I know it won't last but maybe I could ride this for a while, but I'll be ok when it ends, I can go with the flow..."
This afternoon I bought a bunch of my favorite protein bars on my way to work. In my car, I opened one and bit in and it was totally stale and disgusting and kind of smelled like play-doh. I finished my first bite, and then took another one to see if maybe I was....mistaken? I don't know.
I then decided I should not eat something that smells like children's modeling clay, so I opened another bar hoping it would be fresher. It was not. But I ate some of it because I kept hoping the taste would grow on me. And then I had this thought, "My entire food day is ruined. Even though I know logically that shit happens and sometimes you buy food that is stale, I know this is going to fuck up the rest of my day because I suck at dealing with shit when it doesn't go my way. Crap."
Self-fulfilling prophecy, much?!
So the rest of the day was ok....not much of a change in how I normally eat. But then when I got home, I went straight for the ice cream. (Why is it always ice cream with me?) I felt justified, like, I've been really great the past few weeks, so I can just do this thing that makes me feel like crap, because everyone has to feel like crap once in a while right?! I mean...I don't deserve for things to be going this well, so I might as well just get this crap-moment over with and then go back to feeling good tomorrow.
OH HEY, past behaviors of binge-diet-binge. Nice to see you again.
The good news is that I had one bowl of ice cream and I didn't stuff myself. The bad news is that I feel guilty about eating one bowl of ice cream. But this is the work, loving myself right here in this very moment of imperfection, and I'm doing my best at it. I'm thankful for this reminder that I might always have this food-wound, but it doesn't control my life the way that it used to. And I know that tomorrow really will feel good.
That just happened to me.
I've had a really easy time with food for the past few weeks, and it's been refreshingly awesome. So awesome that I caught myself thinking, a couple of times, "maybe this is the new ME! maybe i'm healed FOREVER!"
hahaha little yogi...nothing is permanent :)
The rest of the time, by the way, my thoughts went like this: "This is amazing and I'm so so so grateful and I know this is just one part of the flow wave, but it's really beautiful, and I know it won't last but maybe I could ride this for a while, but I'll be ok when it ends, I can go with the flow..."
This afternoon I bought a bunch of my favorite protein bars on my way to work. In my car, I opened one and bit in and it was totally stale and disgusting and kind of smelled like play-doh. I finished my first bite, and then took another one to see if maybe I was....mistaken? I don't know.
I then decided I should not eat something that smells like children's modeling clay, so I opened another bar hoping it would be fresher. It was not. But I ate some of it because I kept hoping the taste would grow on me. And then I had this thought, "My entire food day is ruined. Even though I know logically that shit happens and sometimes you buy food that is stale, I know this is going to fuck up the rest of my day because I suck at dealing with shit when it doesn't go my way. Crap."
Self-fulfilling prophecy, much?!
So the rest of the day was ok....not much of a change in how I normally eat. But then when I got home, I went straight for the ice cream. (Why is it always ice cream with me?) I felt justified, like, I've been really great the past few weeks, so I can just do this thing that makes me feel like crap, because everyone has to feel like crap once in a while right?! I mean...I don't deserve for things to be going this well, so I might as well just get this crap-moment over with and then go back to feeling good tomorrow.
OH HEY, past behaviors of binge-diet-binge. Nice to see you again.
The good news is that I had one bowl of ice cream and I didn't stuff myself. The bad news is that I feel guilty about eating one bowl of ice cream. But this is the work, loving myself right here in this very moment of imperfection, and I'm doing my best at it. I'm thankful for this reminder that I might always have this food-wound, but it doesn't control my life the way that it used to. And I know that tomorrow really will feel good.
