Day 11: The Food

Day 10 was a great success! I managed to stick to my meal plan and not snack as much. A lot of people have been asking me what I am eating, so I thought I'd just share my food from yesterday:

For breakfast I ate a vegan bran muffin from Trader Joe's (no sugar!) and an apple

For my second breakfast/pre-yoga snack a few hours later, I ate sliced banana and cashew butter on sprouted bread. YUM.

Later in the afternoon I went to Vegetable Garden and ate a big plate of brown rice with tons of steamed veggies & butternut squash in a light, but really tasty sauce. It was delicious.

I had a coffee with a little soy milk and then an orange as a snack before I taught my evening yoga class.

After teaching, I made a smoothie using raw vegan protein powder, some frozen berries, and almond milk. I also ate a mini vegan frozen pizza from Whole Foods.

So there's one day of what this 100 Day eating project looks like!

Writing this out, I realize that I would like this blog to continue to be more about my thoughts and feelings than what I eat. But since food's been the main path for me to get to know myself better, I'm also happy to talk about the food.

Today was more challenging than yesterday. I think because I did so great yesterday, I had that little (more like big) voice in my head going, "Ok, you did it for one day, and now you can stop. And if you fuck up tomorrow, you can just be good the next day." So I ate some of my meals today in front of the TV, and I caved on making the easy veggie stir-fry I'd planned on making, instead going for canned soup and one of those Trader Joe's muffins. Whoops. It's difficult for me to remember that this isn't a diet, because I've spent a lot of time in my life on diets. This is a bigger change, because I'm not just focusing on the food, but I'm taking it all into account: mind, body, and spirit. I hope I can keep moving forward with this into the new year.

Happy 2012, everyone! I wish health, happiness, and sweetness to all my friends and family. I'm going to spend the rest of the evening doing some journaling and intention writing for the year ahead. And then I'm going to put my writing away, forget about it, and see how it all unfolds.

Peace & Blessings to you!

Day 10: My Plan

The past nine days have been truly illuminating. I've seen clearly the ways in which I use food to deal with stress, feelings, and experiences. Looking back on yesterday, I would like to move in a direction where if something like a panic attack happens again, rather than eat to comfort myself, I find another activity like taking a bath, drinking warm tea, or even just cuddling up on my couch with some blankets and reality TV!

Last night after teaching yoga I got home and was not hungry at all, but heard myself saying things like, "Well, today is messed up anyways, so you might as well just eat and then tomorrow you can really start this diet." It's like I always have the idea of a diet in my back pocket, just in case...

Anyways, just thought I'd share because writing helps bring awareness to the thought patterns that I know may always be present, but that I want to learn to not act on. I took some time last night to look over the Overeaters Anonymous and Food Addicts Anonymous websites, and they both really stress the importance of a meal plan, which is something I know I need. I'm doing great with not eating trigger foods and watching my thoughts and feelings, but my eating still feels all over the place and a bit chaotic, and I still overeat quite a bit. OA doesn't suggest a specific meal plan, just that you find something that works for you and follow it. FAA does have a specific one, and it's very strict; take a look here. What I've decided is that I'm going to create my own, but look to the FAA plan for guidance. Also, there is no way I can do 3 meals a day - my schedule is way too nuts for that - so I'm going to look at my schedule for the next day every night and decide then how many times I'll be eating. I'm excited to see how this goes!

Something else: I'm kind of amazed at how even though I've eliminated a lot of trigger foods, I can still emotionally eat with healthy foods (dried fruit & cashew butter outta the jar is the new chocolate). Getting rid of the foods that make me feel crappy didn't totally solve the problem, like I was really hoping it would. That's why this meal plan seems like the next step.

Do you have a meal plan or a way of eating that really works for you? Please share!

Day 9: Panic! At the coffee shop...in my car...at the coffee shop again...

Today I had a mini panic attack. I only say mini because I took all the necessary steps to make sure that it didn't go full blown, but it was upsetting nonetheless.

I was in the middle of having coffee with my lovely friend Pam, and we were talking about how much I want to be a full time yoga teacher and studio owner someday, and how much I don't want to be a therapist. I've known this for a while, but today was the first time I actually said it out loud and fully acknowledged that I really don't intend to use my degree in the way I thought I would when I began grad school. Cut to Pam telling me that I can do anything I want and giving me tons of inspiration to follow my dreams, and me starting to feel out of body, dizzy, and faint. I didn't even feel comfortable standing up to get water.

After a few minutes of hydrating (I do think this was partially brought on by my big cup of coffee before water and a few hours away from breakfast), I thought I'd be fine so I got in my car and started driving home. Nope. Cut to me having a panic attack, for real, in my car. Not fun. After talking to myself in my car, saying things like "you are ok, you are ok, you are ok," I pulled over and ran into the nearest Starbucks to get water and oatmeal, and thought I'd be ok. Wrong again. I sat down and was breathing, eating, and trying to find my center, but when I called my brother asking him to come pick me up, I just started crying.

Lots of lessons here. First of all, I don't have a concrete answer for why I was crying because nothing was wrong, at least not on a conscious level. But I do know that emotions and feelings and experiences get stuck in our bodies, and when we do things like detox and break away from addictive behaviors, they begin to get released. If I had been in a hip or a heart opening pose when the tears started, this would've made more sense to me. But because it all caught me totally off guard, it was a little scary. I've had panic attacks before, but there has always been something that's caused them, usually emotional exhaustion or a strong emotional experience. But this one just happened, and although it was scary, it was also a reminder that this is exactly why we need to watch our thoughts and emotions. Even if we say "I'm fine" (my mantra), we sometimes aren't fine.

After I cried and whatever needed to be let out was out, it was over. I was ok again, and I could drive myself home. When I got home, I just wanted to eat and find comfort in warm and nurturing food. It was such a clear moment of me seeking the comfort of food for an emotional upset. And I allowed it. I ate healthy things and I was hungry, but I was mostly eating for comfort, and I'm ok with it. I remember reading in one of Geneen Roth's food books about how sometimes, when you're in a binge and there's no stopping it, just saying out loud, "I'm bingeing right now" is helpful because it brings awareness to what is so often a mind-numbing activity. I wasn't bingeing and I didn't feel out of control, but I was eating in response to an emotional experience rather than the physical sensation of hunger, so in my head I said to myself, "I'm eating because I had a shitty experience today and this is making me feel better." Perfect behavior? No. But it's what happened and I don't feel guilty about it.

The point I'm trying to make is this: we have to take time to watch and be mindful of our experiences, emotions, and thoughts. Otherwise, they get trapped and stuck and then we react in old patterns or behaviors, and the same thing will keep happening. There is no doubt in my mind that the physical sensations of my panic attack (hands shaking, short of breath, feeling faint, etc) were directly connected to all that I've been uncovering and sharing over the past week, the lack of processed crap and sugar in my body, and my conscious realization that I want to keep pursuing yoga as my career.

Mind = body = mind = body.....unending. It's all the same, it's all connected, and I'm going to keep exploring my own personal experiences with food, thoughts, emotions, and physical reactions, because I really do believe that's where the freedom is.

I need a nap.

Day 8: Week One Review

Hello, dear readers! First, I want to give a big THANK YOU for reading! Wouldn't it be supa-fly if this blog took off and became something bigger than just me & my thoughts? I'm setting the intention....

I thought I'd do a week one review, now that I'm 8 days in.

What I'm proud of:

- Giving up processed foods and sugar!! The only sugar I've had is the evaporated cane juice that's in the little bit of soy milk I put in my coffee (yes, I do drink coffee, it's not a trigger food for me), and I did get some pumpkin soup one day at Whole Foods from the hot bar that had sugar as one of the ingredients. I also ate some granola last night with evaporated cane juice, but I didn't feel so great after eating it, so I think that's out from now on.

- Observing my thoughts without judgement. Writing this blog has been so cathartic for me, and it's really allowed me to step back and notice my thoughts for what they are: thoughts. I'm through with identifying with them, because they are not me.

- Putting myself, my happiness, and this project first. I'm no longer uncomfortable with telling people that I don't eat something or turning down food that I'm offered. I'm finding that the more open and honest I am with everyone about my new eating habits, the easier it is to really stick to them.

- I finally started cooking!! It's been really fun and I'm enjoying the process of making and eating my own food.

What I'm struggling with:

- I'm still eating a lot out of habit. Yesterday, I got home from yoga and wasn't even hungry, but ate because it felt like "time to eat." I'm working to be more mindful about this and end the emotional eating, which I know is going to take time.

- I'm still unsure about what is the appropriate amount of food I should be eating. I do watch my calories, and I have a tendency to under eat for a few days in a row, and then have a day where I eat way too much and feel gross. I'd really like to end this cycle, so if anyone has any suggestions, please share.

Also, this has nothing to do with the above lists, but: I've been having daydreams of eating peanut butter frozen yogurt from Pink Berry. Can't get it out of my head!!!!! Frozen yogurt is a food I actually feel ok about eating, it doesn't spark my negative thought patterns, so perhaps I will add it back in once these 100 Days are up. It is endlessly interesting for me to learn about which foods work for me and which don't. Just knowing makes my life easier, because then I can make choices that really honor the direction I want to head in.

Day Seven: Oh hey, resistance, nice to see you. Again.

"Being hungry is like being in love. If you aren't sure, you probably aren't." ~ Geneen Roth

So far, I'm finding it pretty easy to give up the foods that don't work for me. But eat only when I'm hungry, and not when I'm bored/sad/tired/excited...etc? Yeah, not so easy.

Why am I so resistant to making this change? I don't know. It could be that I've just been using food as a bandaid for so long that it's a really hard habit to break. It could be that I can come up with about ten reasons on the spot about why I need to eat at any given moment. I mean, it's nice to sit around on a rainy day like today and be lazy, veg out on the couch, and snack. It's pleasurable. But I want to move away from eating for these reasons, and move towards eating when my body needs to eat and not eating when it doesn't. And I can still sit on my couch, watch tv, be lazy, and save the snacking part for when my body is actually ready for it.

Some of the ways I talk myself into eating when I'm not hungry:

"Everyone else eats when they aren't hungry, too."

"It's winter, and so what if I sit around eating all day?"

"If I eat a lot today, I just won't eat very much tomorrow" (this NEVER works)

And I could go on.

Maybe it doesn't matter why I have such resistance here. It's interesting to explore, but it's not going to make the resistance go away. Instead, I think this is another chance for me to say, "Hey resistance! I see you!! HI!!!!!!!" And just let her (yeah, I think my resistance is a lady) be there. Maybe if I start being nicer to her, and making friends, she won't be so nasty with me. I'll let you know how that turns out.

Extra!

I know I already posted today, but I have to share this video: Remember in my blog for Day 2 I asked, "Why is chewing so scary?"

This is what I usually look like when I eat, and why I'm trying to slow down a little:

Maybe you can relate?? ;)

Day Six: Breaking Down Limiting Beliefs

Over the summer, my therapist suggested that I begin writing down my negative thought patterns when I saw them arise. And, to no surprise, many of them were triggered by food. One particularly enlightening (and embarrassing) thought pattern was revealed to me when I was getting ready to go to a potluck girl's night with some of my yoga peeps.

This is exactly what I wrote down:

On not bringing something homemade to girl's night...

- I'm not as good as everyone else

- I'm lazy

- People won't like me as much as they would if I baked something myself

- I'm not going to be a good wife because I don't cook

- Men won't like me because of this and they'll be disappointed

Um...WHAT?!?!

Amazing what I unearthed, isn't it?

Of course I can't get away with writing a blog on food and my feelings and not discuss all of the man, woman, and relationship beliefs that I have (although I was really hoping to...). I didn't even realize this was a thought pattern affecting me until I took time to write it out. And then there it was, staring me in the face. As my hero Kris Carr would say, it was a "needle off the record moment."

This is scary to share in such a public forum, but I know that I'm not the only woman out there who, after all the yoga, therapy, self-exploration, and journaling, has some kind of fucked-up belief system around men and not being "good enough." The day that I wrote these thoughts down and uncovered them, it was terrifying. But now that I see them for what they are: just thoughts, and I know I can choose another thought instead. These kinds of beliefs might always be present, consciously or unconsciously, and the point is not to get rid of them. I don't think I would win that fight anyways. The point is to notice them and then not be controlled by them. It's the same way in which I know that if I eat certain foods, I will be triggered to binge, self-hate, and move away from my own inner light. The thoughts will always be there, the foods will always be available, but I don't have to participate anymore.

I challenge you: The next time you notice a feeling of dread, unease, or anxiety, write it down. I bet you'll be amazed at what's really underneath the surface.

Day Five: On Sadness

Happy Holidays, everyone! I've had a lovely Christmas weekend and hope all my friends and family have as well.

I'm starting to feel a little bit of sadness set in. It was a little sad that I didn't eat any of the desserts my brother made at our Christmas Eve dinner: lemon bars and peanut butter chocolate cookies. It was a little sad that I didn't eat waffles and gooey pancakes this morning at brunch. And, it was a little sad that I didn't eat a big bowl of sugary cereal, granola, or ice cream tonight at home.

For the most part, I've been really excited about the foods I've been eating. Foods like garlicky kale, yummy quinoa porridge and quinoa taboule, baked acorn squash with maple syrup, and nourishing pumpkin and squash soups. But tonight, when I got home from the movies and was feeling a little blue, a little underwhelmed by my day, and mostly bummed that I didn't practice yoga today (cause really, why aren't studios open on Xmas day - wink), I really missed eating a sweet treat to comfort myself.

Instead of soothing myself with ice cream or cookies, I made some oatmeal with almond butter. I was hungry and it tasted good, but it didn't get rid of my little bout of winter blues. The thing is, though, ice cream wouldn't have gotten rid of them either. Maybe I would've felt better for a few minutes or a little longer, but ultimately, ice cream doesn't have the power to get rid of my feelings. And this takes me back to yesterday's blog on feelings. They aren't going to go away, because feelings come in and go out just like waves. And maybe this is me learning to ride them instead of avoid them.

Hopefully if I stay with my sadness and continue down my path of healthy eating, it will go away, and I'll move into a better feeling-state. I'm willing to stick with it and find out where this takes me.

Day Four: On Being Present...

My favorite passage from the Tao Te Ching reads, "Stay at the center of the circle and let all things take their course." Today, as I hit day four of detoxing from sugar and all things processed, this was my practice.

I felt pretty fantastic during the first two days, but yesterday and today I found myself in full-on detox mood swing madness. Last night I was irritable and annoyed for no apparent reason, and today I had a mini-anxiety meltdown as I got ready for my family's Christmas Eve dinner. I'm almost one hundred percent sure that a week ago, I would have eaten something sweet to console myself. But since that option is no longer on the table, I had to just sit with my emotions. I had to just stay centered, and let my moods run their course.

What I realized from this is that it doesn't really matter why I was annoyed or anxious. And rather than try to cover up my feelings by eating or even just spending time thinking in circles around what is bothering me, I just said to myself, "I am really irritable right now." Or, "I am super anxious at this moment." We spend so much time (and by we, I am especially referring to all of my yogi, yogini, and future-therapist, analytical-minded friends) trying to figure everything out, trying to "get it," trying to make sense of it all, that we don't allow ourselves to just experience feelings for what they are: just feelings. They don't have to control us, and to everyone who has struggled with food, in any way, shape, or form: we don't have to use food to cope with them.

This afternoon, as I was mid-meltdown, I just walked away from what I was doing, sat down in another room, and said, "Wow. I'm really anxious." And then it dissipated. I know it won't always happen like that, but it was pretty awesome. By taking emotional eating out of the equation and by deciding ahead of time that eating to numb out any uncomfortable feelings is no longer something I'm going to participate in, I didn't really have any other choice but to just be with what I was experiencing. And it wasn't so bad; it was just anxiety, and it passed.

I went to a meditation class a few weeks ago in which the teacher discussed this practice. She had a very unique take on it, and it's something I've thought about ever since. She spoke about how in Buddhism and other spiritual traditions we are encouraged to be fully present with whatever is going on, no matter how painful the feeling-state is. But sometimes, it can be too uncomfortable to stay with pain for so long. So she suggested that when this occurs, we instead begin to observe where in our bodies we are feeling this pain or tension. This way, we are still being present, but we aren't becoming trapped in whatever uncomfortable feelings are there.

The biggest lesson for me from the past two days is that moods happen. Feelings happen. And shit happens. It's always going to, and it doesn't really matter why. It's just part of being human. Being fully alive, awake, and aware means that we experience everything, not just the good stuff.

Just more food for thought - no pun intended - on how it's really not about the food after all.

Day Three: Yoga Chita Vritti Nirodhah

The universe has a weird sense of humor.

The past two days have been so great that I thought to myself this morning, "Wow, maybe these 100 days will just be super easy and no big deal, and I won't be confronted with any of my shit at all. What am I going to blog about if this continues to be effortless?"

HAHAHAHAHA. Nice try. Because of course the moment I thought that, the universe handed me a challenge. I ate something this morning that I didn't realize was a trigger food, and right after I ate it, I was right back to my cycle of destructive thoughts.

They go something like this:

"Oh shit. I can't believe I ate that. My entire day is ruined. This is going to fuck up my eating for the rest of the day. It's only day three and I'm failing. I broke the rules; I ate something I should be giving up. I'm not really doing this 100%....etc."

You get the idea. The good part is that I'm aware that these thoughts are not me, they are just thoughts. I used to think like this all the time and didn't know anything was wrong with it. When these thoughts really started to come in, I tried to counter them by telling myself that at least now I know about another trigger food, and I can cut it out from now on. But the energy it took to talk myself out of my reactive thought patterns is something I don't want to have to do everyday, and it bolstered my confidence in this project.

There are still so many foods that I do feel good about eating, and even though it may seem like I'm being very strict, it doesn't feel that way to me. It feels like freedom. Freedom in knowing that if I don't eat foods that I'm emotionally attached to, I can let go of the drama. I'm reminded of the Yoga Sutras here. Yoga Chita Vritti Nirodhah. Yoga is the cessation of the fluctuations of the mind. And in this way, abstaining from trigger foods is a part of my yoga practice, because it is a practice in releasing the thought patterns that do not serve me.

In the yoga class I went to this afternoon, the teacher asked us to offer out whatever we want to let go of as we move into the new year. I offered my chita vritti, my "mind-stuff." What a relief it is to let that go.

Day Two: Details

Thank you to everyone who has extended support to me as I begin this journey. I am amazed by all of my friends and family. So many of you have written to me via this blog, facebook, or email saying that you can relate, so know this: You are not alone.

Since this project really isn't about the food, it's about addiction and my mind, I wanted to share some of the other things I'll be doing aside from what I will/will not be eating.

Here's a list:

- Eating in solitude without any distractions. I'm vowing to not watch tv, read, go online, or talk on the phone while I eat. I'm going to try to eat as many meals as I can by myself, slowly. I'll keep everyone updated on how this goes since I'm pretty good at shoving an entire meal into my mouth in under five minutes. Why is chewing so scary?

- Cooking in advance. Gone are the days of me being unprepared and getting home starving with nothing to eat. This is probably going to take the most discipline, because I don't love cooking. It's my goal to cook a couple of times a week, making enough to last me a few days.

- Not eating when I'm not hungry. I'm actually really excited about this. To me, this is part of the abstinance. I am giving up eating when my body doesn't need to eat; no excuses. It's amazing how many times yesterday I wanted to go get a piece of chocolate, just because. In just one day, I noticed all the times I was tempted to cover up my boredom, sadness, happiness...pretty much any feeling, with food. And it's not like I want to eat broccoli during those moments. I know it's only been one day, plus the cleanse that I did two weeks ago, but the sense of freedom in knowing that I won't be eating when I don't need to is incredible, and reminds me of why I'm doing this in the first place.

- Taking time for a meditative activity, like restorative yoga, meditation, or pranayama. I'm awesome at getting to a vinyasa class everyday, and not so awesome at taking it easy. If I can start some kind of meditation practice a couple times a week, it'll be a huge change.

These are just a few of the ways in which I'm trying to change and explore if I can be a happy person without the food roller coaster. I hope these 100 Days are the beginning of true liberation.

Day One: Am I a Food Addict?

Am I a Food Addict?

Part of this 100 Days is to explore this possibility. For a really, really (really) long time, I have tried to work around, work with, work through, and work on my relationship with food. But I always end up in the same place: not happy, feeling out of control, and not-as-good as everyone else (side note: I could write an entire book on feeling not good enough). But none of the ways in which I explored my disordered eating took into account that I maybe have food addiction, and that abstinence, not moderation, is the path to freedom.

Three nights ago I ate a small bowl of ice cream. Just one bowl. I didn't go back for seconds, or eat the whole container. But it didn't matter, because I felt so terrible and shameful and awful and scared that I would relapse into my binge-diet-binge cycle, that I called my friend crying about it. And I realized: if eating certain foods are this painful for me, I should just stop. I should just give up trying to feel ok when I eat ice cream, because I don't think I'm ever going to. And that is just a part of me; this problem is just a part of me, and it doesn't mean I am bad or less-than or fucked up, it just means I am going to stop eating ice cream, and other "trigger foods."

This week in my yoga classes I am teaching ahimsa, which means non-violence or non-harming. This 100 Day project is my way of practicing ahimsa towards myself. I am giving up the fight, and it's just an experiment. I want to know what will happen when I just give up all of the foods that I have such an emotional connection with, and instead eat foods that my body needs. I don't think I'm being extreme or crazy, I think I am just tired of being in pain around food, and I am trying something new. I don't know what will happen, and just like yoga, it will be a practice in being present and accepting myself as I am, right now.

Awakening

I need something to hold me accountable. I need a challenge. I need a goal, a project, something to work towards.

I just finished a 7 day vegan cleanse that rocked my world. For 7 days, I put my faith in eating whole, unprocessed, vegan food, and what happened was pretty fucking interesting. Yes I lost a few pounds. Yes I felt healthy and my mood was better. And yes I ate some really delicious food (that I cooked!). But none of that compares with what happened to my mind. See, I usually spend most of my day worrying about how fat I look, how gross I feel, how much skinner everyone else is, how much I weigh, etc. But during these 7 days, I felt so good about what I was putting into my body that I didn't have to think about any of that. I got a break from all of my usual food thinking patterns, and it was amazing.

But then the cleanse ended. And I went back to eating crap and feeling like crap too. Suddenly I am self-conscious again, and the freedom to feel good about myself is gone. And then I realized: food is not the problem. I am the problem. I cannot handle certain foods the way that alcoholics cannot handle alcohol. I need to abstain, because moderation doesn't work for me. It never has.

So, this blog is about my new challenge, inspired by my friend Holly: 100 Days. 100 Days of no sugar, all vegan, all unprocessed food. Tomorrow is Day 1. Let the journey begin.