Days 14-21: Self Sabotage

Every morning for the past week I've woken up and started off on a really good foot with food.
And every night I completely sabotage what was a healthy day of eating.
It's like I get to the end of the evening and I'm afraid to be done eating, so instead I stand in my kitchen eating ice cream and cereal.
I am trying to figure out what it is that I am afraid of, and I think I know.

When I was fifteen, I started Weight Watchers. I weighed 133 pounds, so I was not overweight. Not even close. But I had a couple friends who were doing it so I though I'd give it a shot too. No expectations, just curiosity.

I lost almost twenty pounds in two months, and I didn't have to work very hard. I don't remember being hungry or feeling deprived, only excited that every time I went to a meeting I got on the scale and had lost weight. It felt great.

What was not great was that people began to notice that I lost weight and started complimenting me. It was very confusing and I started to question what I must look like. I thought things like, "If people are telling me how great I look now, does that mean I was fat before?" I was not able to see myself clearly, and that is something I still struggle with: having a totally warped self perception. A lot of times I look in the mirror and am shocked not to see a fat person staring back at me because I walk around feeling enormous. Other times I look in the mirror and am totally disgusted by certain parts of my body. It's really hard for me to know what is real and what is my imagination.

After losing the twenty pounds in only two months, I went to New York with my family for Thanksgiving. It was my first time not being in my routine or eating my normal diet foods (it was my first time not in control) and it lead to my first binge. I remember going to Trader Joe's with my mom's cousin,  buying a box of chocolate chip cookies, and eating almost the entire thing that night. I didn't have the self awareness then that I do now, and I remember not really understanding what was happening. Instead, it felt like the binge was just happening to me, rather than me actively doing it.

This was the beginning of about a year of dieting and bingeing, over and over and over. Then I gained a bunch of weight, and lost it, and gained it again, and lost it again....I've been doing this ever since. I've had highs and lows, and years where I felt more in control than others, but I am always struggling with food.

So, when I get to the end of the day, and I've been very healthy and mindful (not restrictive) all day, it often feels like I'm depriving myself even though I am not. The lines are blurry and I think I go back to that place of being fifteen and on a diet, so by the end of the night I eat out of fear. Fear that if I lose weight, it will all happen again: the compliments, the body confusion, the bingeing and dieting cycle.

But I am not fifteen anymore. And I really want to move past this. I want to be able to eat healthfully and not feel the need to sabotage my day of eating mindfully. So I'm just putting it out there, asking the universe to please help me to do this. It would be awesome if I could go to bed feeling content and satisfied, instead of either deprived or ashamed. Isn't there an in between?

I hope the next 80 days can lead me to that balance and I can stop living in old patterns from ten years ago. So here's to that!

Days 9-13: Mouth-Eating

I've been doing a lot of mouth-eating lately.

What is mouth-eating? It's what I call eating when you aren't hungry, but your mouth really wants to taste something.

Stomach-eating is eating when your body needs food.

I mouth-eat all the time and it's a tough habit to break!

Today after lunch, my stomach was full, but I convinced myself that I needed something else. My meal did not feel complete even though my hunger was satiated.

I'm just sharing this as an observation and wanted to put the intention out in the the universe, in writing, to the blogosphere, that I'd like to stop mouth-eating so much and stomach-eat more.

Ommmmmmm

Days 5-8: Ego Love

I've been pondering the way that ego shows up in my life, particularly in my food/body/love life, and I'm here to say that I officially do not want to dissolve my ego.

I think I've been over-saturated with this philosophical notion that ego = bad. Ego = superficial.
But what if ego just equals our drive to achieve personal goals, values, hard work, dedication, overcoming fear, and moving into the life we want to create? This is my new definition of ego.

The past two weeks I've been really lazy. I think I was mostly just exhausted from the end of my semester (yay!), but I also thought it would be interesting to do a little experiment to see just how laid-back and un-perfectionist I could get. What I realized in the process is that ego has a purpose, and if we use it wisely rather than get carried away with it, our egos can serve us in a beautiful way.

The first few days of my little experiment felt really great and very necessary. I needed to not "do" for a while, and it was good for me to have down time to decompress from my semester. I watched a bunch of crap reality TV, ate a lot (sans sugar, of course!), napped, allowed myself to slack off from my asana practice a bit, and embodied the nature and life of a sloth.

But a few days ago, it started to feel like my chilled-out-ness was no longer serving my best interest. I missed working hard at something and feeling like I was actively pursuing my goals. One of my goals is to feel confident and comfortable in a bikini this summer. I noticed that during this period of down time, I started to feel really guilty about that goal. I felt like it was too superficial and was ashamed that something external, like feeling good about my body, was of importance to me. Aren't I only supposed to care about what's on the inside? Aren't I supposed to be this yoga teacher who doesn't care at all about what's on the surface, and only about what's underneath and on a deeper level?

No. I don't think so, anyway.

As I pondered some more, I thought about all the ways in which my goal-driven nature and go-for-my-dreams attitude has been a really amazing thing in my life. Without it, I would not be a yoga teacher. I would not be almost done with grad school. I would not have dared to start my first 100 Days, or be here now, in the beginning of this next round. I'm a make-shit-happen kind of gal, and it's something I like about myself.

It's ok that I want to feel good about my body in a bathing suit. It doesn't mean I'm shallow. It's not about what my body actually looks like, anyway, but how I feel about it. And I believe that feeling good is a marker that we are moving in the right direction. And I also believe that working towards and achieving a goal is a perfectly ok thing to feel proud of, especially if I can do it with awareness and curiosity.

So, here's to embracing my ego and yours. :) Tell me...how has your ego helped you??

Days 3 & 4: On NOT Dieting

It is a strange, strange thing to consciously choose each day not to diet, when it's what I've been used to for so long.

The past few months are really the first time in my life since I was 15 that I've been working on loving myself rather than changing myself.

Sometimes it's really hard. Yesterday I spent some time really thinking about joining Weight Watchers so that I could lose 10 pounds and feel skinny and happy for bikini season. But there is something in me now that knows that only leads to deprivation, highs and lows, and eventual weight gain.

So...what is there to do instead of diet?? Nothing, really. Meditate. Yoga. Spiritual practice. Mindful eating. Enjoying my life. No Drama.

But...I admit, sometimes I long for the drama!

I figured out the food stuff during the first 100 Days, which foods feel good to eat, which don't, etc., and I'm noticing that this round is more about me just being with myself and feeling content with what is. Just continuing to trudge along without sugar and feel happy in this moment because this moment is complete and beautiful on it's own.

Ahhhh....deep sigh.  

Day 2: Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!

I've been making chia seed pudding for a while now, and I finally found the perfect combo of ingredients for a sweet and sugar-free treat!

I wish I had a picture to share, but it was so delicious that I ate it all up before I thought to grab my camera.

Here's what you need:

1/2 cup almond milk - (or whatever kind of nut milk you prefer)
2 tablespoons raw chia seeds (you can get these at any health food store or Whole Foods; I buy Navitas)
1 tablespoon organic cocoa powder
1/2 tablespoon maple syrup (all natural, not Aunt Jemima's!!!)

Mix the almond milk, chia seeds, and cocoa powder in a container that has a lid. Stir it until most of the cocoa powder has been absorbed.
Cover it with the lid, and refrigerate overnight.
Before you eat it the next day, stir in the maple syrup (you could try agave or honey, too, but I like this the best).

Enjoy!!

Today feels great and I've been so moved by the intentions of all the other ladies who are doing this with me. We have a great group and who knows, maybe this will become something I lead, or write a book about...dreaming of possibilities.

Day One

I can't believe I just wrote "Day One" again.

But today felt like putting my hand into a worn glove that fit perfectly. There is so much relief in knowing that I'm doing this, because I know it leads to freedom.

My day was pretty boring food-wise, and since it was my day off, I spent most of my time sitting on my couch :)

I don't think I would have been able to do this a few months ago. No, a few months ago I would have been mentally beating myself up for not doing anything, for accomplishing nothing, for lacking in productivity. Part of learning to be more compassionate towards myself is allowing myself to have a "day of nothing" once in a while. I watched crap TV, I made some chocolate chia seed pudding, I drank coffee and green juice, and I started reading The Ramayana (one of my summer goals; it's almost 700 pages, ahhh!) So it's not exactly that nothing happened, it's that I didn't do anything with a goal in mind. I just did what I felt like doing in the moment.

This is so new for me. And, when half an hour before the yoga class I'd planned to go to this evening something else suddenly came up, I didn't sweat it. Shit happens. Life happens. This is where the real practice really is. So what if my back feels a little tight tomorrow and I can't do the splits every single time I practice. WHO CARES?!???

It's time for me to let go of my attachment to this idea that crazy poses = I'm good enough. I am already good enough, and so are you. And I got here by feeling my feelings, accepting everything as is, and being honest with myself about my issues.

I think Rumi says it best: "The wound is the place where the light enters you."

Welcome, light..... ;)

On the Eve of the Next 100 Days...

Hi Blog Family!

It's been less than a month since I've written but it feels like much longer than that. A lot has happened in the past few weeks, and here I am about to start my next 100 Days of vegan, sugar free living.

Since my last entry, I have totally backslided into my sugar addiction. It started slow: there was one day where I ate a cookie. Then I ate some chocolate on another day. Then i ate ice cream later that week. And this turned into me eating ice cream, plus cookies, plus other sweets all in one meal (and not really eating, but more stuffing) and feeling sick (physically & mentally) after. It is obvious to me that sugar is as real as any other addiction. In fact, last night I went on a total sugar binge and have felt "hungover" all day. I think back to when I was doing my first 100 Days, and how much easier my life felt. So that's what's inspired me to do it again.

The past few weeks have given me insight into how truly hard any addict must work in order to stay sober. I think one of the things that allowed me to just sort of forget about going to OA or being abstinent is that the idea of giving up sugar for the rest of my life terrifies me. Like, that is a huge fucking task. I finally understand why the motto of 12 step programs is "one day at a time."

So, I will be going about it in just that way, one day at a time. If I think about the possibility of me never eating sugar again, I will freak out and go on a sugar bender, guaranteed. So my task is to practice presence, and take it all as it comes. I'm excited to do this again and see how it unfolds!

I've also opened this up for others to join in, so there will hopefully be some guest blogging going on. If you want to join in, let me know! We will begin tomorrow. And you don't have to choose sugar to abstain from, you can choose anything that you'd like to experiment with cutting out of your life.

Despite feeling some disappointment about the past few weeks, I am happy to report that I've noticed one change that has stayed with me: being compassionate to myself. Not always, but more often. THIS IS HUGE. Also, my hangover today (read: dizziness) taught me something about my yoga practice. I was reminded as I went through my poses this morning just how healing and transformative yoga is, if we allow it. I've spent a lot of time in the past few months obsessing about advanced poses, rather than allowing myself to experience the beauty of yoga as a vehicle for self-love and enlightenment. Oops!

I can't wait for tomorrow & thank you all for following me on this journey!