Days 40-42: On Strength

There's that part in Into the Wild where Chris McCandless mentions the importance of not being strong, but feeling strong.

I feel really strong this week. On Monday I subbed a yoga class in a room full of mirrors (YIKES!). At first I was freaked out and my "this is not yoga" rant was bubbling up to the surface. But it actually turned out to be a great experience. I've never been able to see myself teaching before, and it was kind of cool. I was able to notice my body in different poses, and what surprised me was how strong I looked throughout the class. I didn't look skinny, and for the first time in a long time, that was ok. I just looked strong and sturdy, and I keep thinking, "Whoa! Is that what I look like?" Luckily, it was usually followed by, "I am really strong and I like it!" There were of course moments of noticing imperfection, or wishing I didn't look a certain way in some poses, but I just breathed through those and let them go.

The day before I taught this class I went to my first OA meeting. It was really excellent and stayed with me the whole day, just like a morning yoga practice does. I understand that part of 12 step programs are not promoting or discussing them publicly, so I'll just say that it was truly a great experience and I'm going to continue to explore the 12 step path, through both literature and meetings. It feels like a natural progression of this journey.

I know that I'm only beginning to notice my own strength because I've allowed myself to be vulnerable, to be sad, to be open, and to just let go and trust my intuition. We don't get to be strong by muscling or powering through our lives. We gain strength by being real with ourselves, even when it's painful. We get real by facing our DDS (my new acronym for Deep Dark Shit) and accepting who we are. We aren't going to gain strength by berating ourselves or beating ourselves into who we think we're supposed to be.

BE KIND TO YOURSELF.

Day 39: Recipe Time!

Cooking makes me feel like a zen lady and a rockstar at the same time. It slows me down, it grounds me, and it makes me remember what eating is all about: nourishment.

So why is it so difficult to do it? I think it's cause of my lady-friend, Resistance. Bitch.

I always find time to say yes to everything and everyone else in my life, but I never want to make space for taking care of myself. Can you say life-long problem that I will constantly have to work with? Yeah.

Anyways, I decided to put myself first this afternoon and cook! I'll share one recipe with you for a quinoa porridge that makes a great breakfast or snack.

It's based on a recipe I tried when I did my Ayurvedic cleanse with Dr. Blossom. Just like the kale recipe I posted not long ago, it's super easy and quite tasty.

All you need is a cup of quinoa, a half tablespoon of oil (I use coconut), your choice of nut milk (I prefer rice in this recipe, but only had almond on hand today, so that's what I used. Soy works too. As always, I go for the unflavored, unrefined stuff), and a half teaspoon each of cinnamon, cardamom, and salt.

Let the oil heat for a couple minutes in a large pot, and then add in the quinoa (it's a good idea to rinse the quinoa first, btw). Then add 1 1/2 cups of nut milk and 1 1/2 cups of water, and the spices, and let it boil. After a couple minutes, turn it down to a simmer and cover the pot. Done.

I put a little maple syrup in mine to sweeten. It's so good!

My goal this week is to create space in my schedule to cook and take better care of myself. We'll see how it goes!

Days 37 & 38: The Next Step

Last night as I was eating cashew butter out of the jar on a piece of matzoh while standing over my kitchen sink, I thought, "I really need to go to an OA meeting."

And so, I am going on Sunday morning. I'm announcing it here because if I don't, I probably won't go. But now I've put it out there, and I will follow through.

I love cashew butter and I'm ambivalent about matzoh, but I hated the way I was eating it. Not tasting or chewing, just swallowing and numbing. Yikes.

I've spent some time today trying to argue my way out of reasons why I should just get over my fear and go to a meeting, but I haven't really come up with anything good enough to talk myself out of it. So I guess I'll just have to feel the fear and do it anyways.

Aside from last night's sink-eating affair, I'm still feeling pretty fantastic. 2012, you've been so good to me, and I feel giggly deep down in my soul about you. Thanks.

In my classes this week, I'm drawing inspiration from a conversation I had last night with a friend, and from a quote that another yogini shared with me: "Muddy waters, let stand, become clear." Isn't that beautiful? Can't you just picture the mud and dirt of a pond slowly settling to the bottom to become part of the seabed, leaving clear and pure water at the top? I love this image, and I've been meditating on it all day. We are always trying to fix, to change, to manipulate...what if we just walked away and let things settle on their own? I really believe with all my heart and soul that the task of life is to follow our hearts and commit to our path, and let everything else fall into place. To get out of our own way and let things unfold as they are meant to. Going to an OA meeting is just another way for me to explore my relationship with food as a path to wholeness, clarity, and ultimately, true happiness. What comes of the OA meeting isn't really as significant as me showing up and giving it a shot, and I don't need to worry about the rest.

Onward....

Days 34, 35, & 36: Sunshine & Imperfection

I'm happy to say that things are on the upswing!

Sunday and Monday found me in full-on winter blues mode, but the sun came back yesterday and so did my good mood and attitude.

On Monday I did a lot of reflecting on the past 36 (!) days, and what I spent the most time contemplating is how some days it is so easy to just notice my thoughts, let them be, and move on, yet other days it is so challenging. It's all a practice, I suppose, and I have to remember that there will be days that for whatever reason, I just can't do it. I just can't stay peaceful and zen and be the calm in the center of the storm. Some days I'm going to get lost in all the irrational thoughts. So instead, I'm trying to make peace with that. Rather than expect myself to respond perfectly every time, I need to learn that sometimes I will just react, and that's ok. It's not the end of the world and it doesn't cancel out any of the times in which I do respond mindfully.

What I am enjoying the most about this practice is noticing that even if negative thought patterns do arise, I don't have to take action and participate. As Margaret Cho says in the last video I posted, "I can pull myself out of the game." The game is still happening; it will always be happening, actually. But I don't have to play. And that is what this is all about anyways; it's about knowing that the thoughts, the craziness of my mind and of this world is going to go on and on, but it can go on without me. I don't have to get caught up in it.

And when I do...oh well. Then the practice shifts to become about acceptance, to remembering that perfection is not a real place, but just another figment of my imagination. I'll leave you with my current mantra, originally said by Carl Jung: "Perfection is the enemy of the good."

I hope everyone has a beautiful and totally imperfect day :)

Days 32 & 33: There are No Answers

The past couple of days I've felt really torn between two things: the desire to be thin and the desire to eat all the time.

I'm still holding strong on the no sugar/vegan/no processed foods thing (which is awesome and something I do feel so proud of), but sometimes I just want to eat. And I mean EAT. And the past few days I have not been able to separate my desire to EAT from my desire to have the "perfect" body. (By the way, I know this does not exist and that no one is perfect, but I somehow still find myself wanting to move toward perfection, which I realize is a mythological place in my mind in which I weigh 120 pounds, am never hungry, and can effortlessly do crazy yoga poses. Um, yeah right.)

What usually ends up happening is me eating anyway, almost in defiance. On Friday night as I scarfed (literally) down a bowl of cereal, I realized I was eating out of rebellion. Eating to prove that I could eat, that I wasn't on a diet. Instead of tasting my granola, I tasted my conviction.

During the first few weeks of this 100 Days, when I noticed myself wanting to eat for other reasons than hunger, I just gave it up and left the kitchen, found something else to do, felt my feelings, and moved on. It was pretty easy. Well, this week it became very difficult. I think because I got so hung up on my weight, practicing all of the mindfulness and non-emotional eating behaviors became secondary. So what if I eat my feelings tonight, I can go on a diet tomorrow. Yeah, back to that again.

This week has revealed how much work I still have to do on this part of my life. Maybe I'm someone who will always want to eat yet simultaneously desire to be thinner, and that is something I have to accept about myself the way an alcoholic has to accept that they are addicted to alcohol. Maybe I am addicted to the drama of proving to myself that I can "overcome" and lose weight, only to regain it and do it all over again. Maybe I should stop weighing myself. Maybe I should work hard at the strategies I know that curb my emotional eating. Everything feels like a maybe right now, and I just have to be ok with that. I do know one thing: writing helps. Bringing voice and life to all this stuff floating around in my mind that can easily make me feel different or weird or separate from everyone else helps. So does taking deep breaths, and surrounding myself with supportive people (you!).

What I really am trying to figure out is this: if I am in fact a food/sugar addict (and I do believe I am), and I start going to OA and get on board with having a very strict eating schedule, is it going to feel like another diet? Am I going to continue to go through my weekly cycle of diet-binge-diet, etc? This is my fear. Hello, fear. Part of me really wants to just set up a schedule and stick to it. But part of me wants to rebel and eat crazily and binge just to prove that I'm not being restrictive. Where is balance? Where is middle ground? Where is freedom?

One of my favorite quotes comes to mind: "There are no answers, only questions."

Here's to the questions, the uncertainty, the moments of me feeling like WTF am I doing?!, the doubt, the blahs, and all the rest. In my dreams I'd wake up tomorrow knowing everything and never struggling with food again. But if that doesn't happen, at least I'm taking it all in.

Days 27-31: The Past 5 Days...

Half-Truth: I haven't blogged in 6 days because I've been really busy.

Whole-Truth: I haven't blogged in 6 days because I've been really busy and I haven't wanted to face my shit.

Ugh.

This week has been strange. I found myself obsessing over how much I weigh, and seemed to forget that this whole thing isn't about my weight at all. Funny how that happened.

It started on Monday when I bought a new (and very tight!) red dress that I'm going to wear this Saturday. At first I was just excited to have an event to wear a dress to (cause my yoga outfits are getting kind of tired). But then it was like the dress took on a life of it's own. Everything I ate became about the dress. Would I still fit into it on Saturday? Would I look hot? Would I have to suck in my stomach the entire night? What if I don't look perfect? Can I manipulate how much I eat in the next 5 days to be even thinner on Saturday than I am now? And on and on.

By Thursday I'd lost a pound. Not very noticeable to anyone else or even myself. What I did notice, though, is how completely unsatisfying eating became. Why would I slow down and enjoy my food if I'm only eating to lose weight and fit into a dress? I wouldn't. So of course eating became annoying and anxiety-provoking instead of nourishing. I also noticed how easily removed from the present moment I became. Instead of enjoying the moments of my day, I was focusing on Saturday night. It was like Monday through Friday were only there to get me to Saturday. On Thursday morning when I weighed myself I also noticed how little I cared about losing that pound. Like, so the fuck what? It's not going to make me happy.

But I think this is all a good thing. Never before have I not really cared about losing a pound. I guess I am growing and moving past some old patterns, because in the past my entire day would've been marked as good or bad, depending on what I weighed in the morning. If anyone knows about letting the scale dictate moods, it's me.

And so even though I am happy to see that I am realizing that true happiness has nothing to do with what I weigh, I am also sad. Because now I can't rely on the scale to bring me joy. My weight has become inconsequential. And now my dress is just a dress again, and nothing more. It doesn't have the power to make me happy or sad. Kind of boring, but also kind of nice.

This whole video is hilarious, but if you're short on time skip to 6 minutes in and watch til the end:

Day 26: KALE

Is it possible for me to cook kale without listening to Michael Franti and dancing along?

No.

Sundays are the perfect day to cook for the rest of the week. Today I made garlicky kale with mushrooms from a vegan cookbook by Isa Chandra Moskowitz. It's the simplest and tastiest recipe. I just heat a little olive oil (about a teaspoon) and about 6 cloves of garlic in a pan, then add in a bunch of mushrooms. I usually just buy one 8 oz container of white sliced mushrooms and throw them all in. Then I just stir in a ton of kale (16 0z). And that's it.

Yummmmmm.

I hope everyone has a lovely and restful Sunday. And here's another picture that has nothing to do with anything, but I bet it will make you smile:

Day 25: Experiencing Fullness

25 Days! Holy crap!

Today was all about experiencing fullness. Yesterday I wrote about moving with the changing tides of life, and today I explored one end of the spectrum: what it means to be truly full. Not just in my belly, but in my life.

This is the first winter of my entire life that I don't feel the effects of seasonal depression. The sunny days and milder weather, combined with my new found freedom around food are making this the first January where I feel as happy as I typically do in the summer. Today as I was practicing yoga on my own at home and looking out my window at the trees and sky, I thought to myself, "I am so in love with my life right now!"

I don't think I've ever had this in-love feeling on my own, and it's really special. My life feels so full and wonderful, and I know that part of the sweetness of this is because I'm no longer using food to numb out uncomfortable moments. Instead, I am experiencing them, breathing them in, and then letting them pass on their own. It's a lot less "doing" on my part, and I feel more calm and steady than I ever have.

I also experimented with feeling full today in the way that I ate. Saturday afternoons are the start to my weekend, and it's often very hard for me to let go of the past week and just relax (I know I don't have a stressful job and I'm very lucky, so I'm not complaining. I'm just stating that even I have a hard time letting go and doing nothing). Today, after I got home from teaching my morning classes, I noticed that I wanted to eat for the sake of eating and experience true fullness. I usually try and stop eating before I get too full, since I have a history of overeating way past a healthy level of satiety. But today, I just wanted to experience a full belly, so I did.

I really enjoyed all of the foods that I ate. I enjoyed eating for the pleasure of eating. It felt really good to me. This isn't a way I want to eat every day, but it was lovely to experience it for an afternoon. My belly got very full and I didn't hate it. I didn't feel fat or gross or ugly, I just felt full. This might not sound like a big deal, but it is. Being comfortable with feeling full is not something I've ever felt in the past. I can't believe what a shift I've experienced since this journey began.

(Just as an FYI: I did not sit around and binge eat this afternoon. It wasn't a food free-for-all, and I still stuck to my vegan, unprocessed, no sugar foods. I just didn't worry about examining my hunger levels, and I ate because I wanted to taste something good.)

I want to keep welcoming in the fullness of my life. I want to be unafraid of saying YES. I want to step into my own power and take deep, juicy breaths. I want to arrive, awake and fully present, and just be.

Days 22, 23, & 24: Riding the Waves

The past few days have been very challenging.

I want to do bad things with bad people! Like go to Whole Foods and buy every item from the bakery and just sit and eat until I feel sick. There is this one bag of trail mix that I fantasize about every time I see it.

Or eat the entire box of chocolate chip and M&M cookies that my dad bought tonight.

But, I'm not going to.

Last week, I had about six days in a row of feeling strong, powerful, and happy. I had a sense of ease in my life that I hadn't felt in a long, long time. My mind felt free because I was happy with my body and didn't spend time worrying about what I looked like.

But then, something shifted. The past few days have been different. I got lazy (which I'm now blaming on Mars being in retrograde) and slacked on cooking. I started to eat out of habit rather than taking time to notice my hunger and fullness levels. I really do believe humans are creatures of routine...

But that is not what this post is about. This post is about noticing the ebbs and flows of life, and understanding that there will always be shifts and changes. We may enjoy routine and habit, but we are not stagnant beings.

Thinking back to those six lovely days, I do recall the thought, "Maybe things can always be like this from now on and everyday will be AWESOME."

Yeah, right. Even though I know this isn't how life works, I still catch myself pretending that maybe, just maybe, I will find some way to be in an eternally sunny mood.

And then I realize how boring that would be. One of my favorite lines from the film Crazy Sexy Cancer (you should see movie this if you haven't) is, "We can't always be in the fire." To that, I'd like to add this: We can't always be in the light.

We have to have moments of boredom, dullness, sadness, darkness, blahness, etc. And to me, the task is not to try and escape them (which is what I would've done 24 days ago by eating my feelings). Instead, the task is to ride the ebb and wait for the flow. It will come. And then it will be gone, and so on and so forth.

Part of what's keeping me from caving and going on a sugar binge is remembering that in a few days, I'll feel differently. I don't know exactly how I'll feel, but I won't be the same as I am right now. I am choosing to trust that another flow is on it's way, and that I can continue to ride these waves as gracefully as possible, even when I have the instinct to throw it all away.

In this way, I'm also choosing to let go of my attachment to what happens, and instead be open to all of life, even when it kind of sucks. I really do believe there is beauty in the shitty moments.

Days 19, 20, & 21: A Few Thoughts on Food and Diets

Hello Blog Family! :)

Thank you all so much for the response and feedback so many of you have given me via comments, emails, phone calls, and hugs. Your support is a wonderful reminder of the amazing community of people I'm surrounded by. I am beyond grateful.

I can't believe it's already been 21 days since I began this journey! WOW. It doesn't feel like I'm counting, though, because I don't think I'll want to stop once I reach Day 101.

I don't usually plan what I'll share in my blog; instead I wait until something just comes up and then if it feels right I go with it (just like how I teach yoga :). The past three days have been fairly uneventful, so I thought I'd take some time today to share my own personal thoughts on some widely discussed and very heavily opinionated food topics.

The first one: INTUITIVE EATING.

Blah. I'm not what you would call a "naturally thin" person or a "normal" eater. I actually don't know what that is or what those terms really mean, but they are not me. And I know there is some really lovely writing out there on intuitive eating, and how we can all become aligned with our body's natural eating cycles, but I gotta say, it's not the path for me. I've actually spent a lot of time trying to become an intuitive eater, but always ended up feeling like a failure. And since I was born with the "not-good-enough gene," I don't really need more of that in my life. For me, intuitive eating just became another kind of diet, and one that made me feel like I would never find peace around food. I do believe this is a way of eating that can work for some people. But for those of us who struggle with food in what feels like an unending manner, maybe a different kind of eating program is necessary. Intuitive eating doesn't make sense to me because most of the time my gut feeling tells me to eat copious amounts of sugar and carbs. Not exactly the healthiest diet. I do believe that I am a food addict (not to mention a Virgo who loves routine, schedules, and steadiness), and that I need a little bit more order in my diet. Which brings me to my next topic...

CALORIES.

Everyone wants to declare a war against calories. Everyone wants to say that counting calories isn't necessary, and that if you just listen to your body, it will tell you when to eat and when to stop. I'm sure this is true for a lot of non-food addicts. But counting calories really helps me remember to eat healthily and to eat normal portion sizes. I'm not saying that we should all go on the 1200 calorie diet (why is that the chosen calorie number for women, by the way?). I eat far more than that, and I discovered the right amount of calories for me in a day through lots and lots of experimentation. Fun fact: When you stop eating crap and cut out all the processed foods and sugar, you can actually eat way more and not gain weight. Awesome.

And finally: CONTROL.

Being in control gets such a bad rap, especially for women. And I'm sick of it. I feel really great when I am choosing what, where, and how much to eat. This doesn't mean that I need to be in charge all the time and that I only do what I want to do. But it is a remembrance that only I know what's right for me. Only I know what I need. And only you know what you need. So I'm just doing my best to honor and love myself, and how that manifests changes day to day. I really do believe that we can be in control and strong, yet simultaneously flexible. In yoga, this is the balance of effort and ease, or sthira and sukha. Some days we may need a little more of one than the other, but the path to wholeness is paved with strength and courage, as well as opening, flexibility, and welcoming the unknown.

These are just my thoughts as of today on these topics. Please chime in with what's worked for you or what hasn't. I always love knowing how others are finding what's right for them and moving forward with it.

Day 18: Reflection

On Day 6 I wrote that it would be impossible for me to have a food blog without mention of how my beliefs toward food and my body interweave with my relationships with men.

Well, today I had a big "ah-ha" moment. I can thank being in a counseling grad program where all we do is explore our past for this one. JHU may not be crazy-hard academically, but it is pretty good at kicking my ass emotionally.

When I was 7, I was at the beach with my grandparents and other family members. I was sitting on the sand in my bikini, maybe eating a snack but I don't remember, and my grandfather casually remarked that I had "two stomachs." What he was talking about were my little 7 year old belly rolls. To him, it was no big deal.

I will never forget this because it was the beginning. Of hatred towards my stomach, of understanding that what I put in my mouth affects how I look, and of never feeling skinny enough.

I remember the bikini I was wearing: black with orange and yellow neon letters on the top half that spelled out BEACH. I remember not eating chex mix that afternoon because I was afraid. I also remember that I stopped talking to my grandpa, and he didn't understand why until I told my aunt and she relayed it to him. And he felt so bad that he started crying and apologized for hurting my feelings, but I still didn't want to talk to him until later that evening at home. When I did, we ate some watermelon together, and didn't talk about it ever again.

I loved my grandpa and he was not a mean person. And maybe there were other underlying disordered eating factors already in place, but for whatever reason this really sticks in my mind as the beginning. I get teary when I think about this moment; when I close my eyes and see myself sitting on the beach hearing those words, I feel so sad.

But what I'm learning is that exploring memories like this doesn't mean being controlled by them. It makes sense that I've spent a lot of time worrying about what men think about my body. But I'm moving away from that, and instead moving toward loving myself. I'm sure if I wanted to, I could be angry, cast blame, and continue to torture myself about my body. But I don't see how that will help.

Because I'd rather be free.

Days 16 & 17: HAPPY!

Before I sat down to write today, I thought to myself: "I can't blog today because I feel really happy and no one wants to hear about how happy I am. People only like it when I have some struggle-nugget of wisdom to share."

BUT FUCK THAT.

I am feeling really excited about my life and amazed at how my instinct to cut out certain foods - really, to just stop participating in an act of suffering - has changed everything. I used to have this mantra of, "everything in my life is wonderful and perfect except my relationship with food," but I didn't know what to do about it. Well, I think I've finally (only took my entire life so far) figured out what to do about it.

The past 17 days have been so incredible, even with the challenges that arose. I'm noticing lots of small changes. For example, I am not as interested as I used to be in eating past fullness. It's just not as exciting anymore. I'm also less interested in eating because of a thought or feeling, rather than the sensation of hunger. And it doesn't feel like a battle, either. Rather than standing in my kitchen fighting with myself over if I should eat, what, why, how much, etc...I just leave the kitchen. How simple.

All of this is making it crystal clear that if I can just get out of my own way, if I can let go of my mental masturbation, my life will flow. And it's not that I get to decide how it flows; I don't think that's really up to me. Instead, the practice is to be open. To anything, to everything, to life itself in all it's complicated beauty.

So my challenge to you, dear reader, is this: Notice your thoughts, see them for what they are, and then move on. Let them go. Give yourself over to the flow.

Days 14 & 15: Surrendering to the Unknown

Not doing yoga for 5 days is weird. Like, really, really, really, weird. I know my body looks the same on the outside, but on the inside, the tightness is so apparent. I miss all the space and opening!

I'm still dizzy, so taking a class is just not an option right now. And I'm surprised at how easily I've accepted this. In the past, I think I would have kicked and screamed and fought myself in a losing battle. Because really, what can I do? Nothing. All I can do is rest, knowing that I will get back to my practice when my body is ready.

Surrendering is not my forte. I prefer to be stubborn and hold on to my attachments of what I believe is supposed to happen. As if that were up to me, ha! But being sick this week has shown me that I do have the capacity to be gentle towards myself and to just accept what is in front of me.

There is a teaching by the Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron on attachment that comes to mind. She speaks about how even though we know nothing is permanent, and there is no way for us to know what will happen next, we grasp and cling to our ideas (aka...thoughts) just to have something to hold on to. We convince ourselves that we know, but how can we? In my mind, I will practice yoga every single day and never get sick or tired or need rest or....the list goes on. In reality, though, shit happens and I'm not in charge. Control is an illusion.

I also feel like this week has allowed me to slow down and see that I'm really getting into the groove of my new eating habits. I haven't needed to be as strict as I thought I'd need to, and other than the dizziness, I feel great. And then the thoughts come in, and they sound something like this: "Maybe it could be like this everyday, forever, for the rest of my life, and it will be perfect." But then I remember that's only a thought. I don't know where this journey will take me, and that's part of the fun.

Days 12 & 13: Slowing Down

The past three days have been a great lesson for me in slowing down. On Saturday I woke up with vertigo (something that happens to me about every season, blah) and really couldn't do much. Yesterday was better, although moving my head suddenly or upside down gave me the spins. Not fun for a yoga teacher.

Here are some of the thoughts that accompanied me this weekend:

- If I don't practice yoga everyday, I'm going to lose all my flexibility

- My body is going to get totally messed up from not being able to go to yoga

- I'm going to gain weight because I can't exercise

Reality check: My body is fine. I'll be a little stiff when I return to my mat, but I haven't lost my flexibility. I haven't gained weight.

Just more thoughts to monitor, notice, and let go. On Saturday, when I really wasn't able to move my head at all, I did a very slow yoga practice with only a few poses, which I held for a long time. It was actually really calming and made me remember what the practice is about anyways: connecting to breath, to myself, and to god. It's not about being able to do the splits because that will finally prove that I'm good enough.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to assist a yoga class, which I haven't done since I first got my teaching certification. A lot of times when I'm teaching my eyes are closed or I'm just really "in it," so I don't get to observe and take it all in. But yesterday I got to just watch, and it was really beautiful. What an amazing thing it is to see a room full of people committed to breathing fully, opening their minds, bodies, and hearts, and surrendering to something greater than their humanness. Not that our humanness isn't beautiful, too. Assisting and observing the class was another reminder to me of why I fell in love with yoga in the first place: because it offers me moments of nothing. No thoughts, no judgements, just me. And underneath all of my irrational thoughts and feelings, there is peace.

I can't say that I'm not excited for tonight or tomorrow, when I hope to be well enough to go to a class, but I know that I'm not losing anything in the meantime. Sometimes I think my body plans these little dizzy spells on purpose, to gently remind me of why I'm on this path. Om Shanti.