This weekend I went to New York to celebrate my grandma's 85th (!) birthday. A few days before the dinner, I found myself getting totally anxious about said dinner. Ever heard of the term "undifferentiated family ego mass?" These words kept ringing in my ears all week. It means what it sounds like....when your family dynamics pretty much become their own entity and you can't separate from the patterns you've been participating in since childhood. Yikes.
I love my family. Everyone is very loving, but also very loud, blunt, opinionated, and INTENSE. Not so easy for a quiet and pretty sensitive person like myself, especially when I was a kid. At dinner, I started having memories of being at family (read: food) functions, and just stuffing my face. Totally overeating and not understanding why. But now I get it: it was an escape from the intensity of it all. Now that I see it for what it was, I don't have to feel angry or frustrated, or like I'm intrinsically flawed. I was a little kid, and I coped the best way that I could at the time.
It was really tempting to just break my 100 Day guidelines on Saturday night, say "Fuck It," and binge out on Italian food. But I am so committed to this blog and to you readers, and also to seeing what's on the other side of reacting and covering up my emotions with food. So instead, I just sat there and took it all in. I noticed how I felt when everyone was eating their first course and I was still waiting for my main dish (uncomfortable). I noticed how I felt when people started to get into a debate about something (like I wanted to hide). I noticed how I felt about biting into a breadstick that I immediately realized was not vegan (like I fucked up). I noticed how I felt about not being able to control that we were eating very late at night and that eating this meal was going to mean me going over my preferred calorie amount for that day (annoyed and bothered).
But the best part was me realizing how flexible I've become. Very different from my meltdowns in high school when I was on weight watchers (oh yes there will be another blog on that) and literally went into hysterical cry-fests if I was not in control of my food for even just one moment.
I had some bread, shared some appetizers, and ate had half of my meal. Not perfect and more calories than I would've liked, but it didn't send me into a raging binge. And in my head, I said things like, "It's ok. You are a divine light, and you are still beautiful no matter how much you eat." I know that abstaining from sugar and going vegan seems so strict, but it has somehow shown me the way to being more flexible and more gentle with myself, and I am so grateful.
Now I'm home, and I can go back to my normal routine and foods that I feel really good about eating. It might just sound like a family dinner, which isn't that big of a deal, but it is actually pretty amazing that I broke away from my "undifferentiated family ego mass," as well as my own habit of bingeing, and just ate a regular meal. AWESOME.
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