I was hoping that this weird funk I'm in would pass and I could avoid writing about it on here, so as to seem like this path of healing I'm carving out is an almost perfect solution to eating issues, but that's just not the case. And if there's one thing about this blog that I hold sacred in my heart, it's my promise to be completely honest about what I'm going through.
In the past week I've felt like a failure, a sham, to my blog and this community, because controlling the amount of food I eat suddenly got really hard. I usually cap myself off at a certain number of calories each day, but that didn't happen this week, and I don't know why. Every day felt like groundhog day, where I was trapped in the same cycle.
Here's how it went:
Wake up: feel like crap about what I ate the night before (I should clarify: I'm not bingeing. I'm just eating more than I need to, more than feels good for my body).
Mid-morning: Start to feel a little better, tell myself that it's all going to be ok, and that today is a new day and a fresh start.
Mid-afternoon: Feel pretty good about how the day is going and like I'm getting back in my groove.
Evening: Still feeling good and hopeful that I won't overeat before I go to bed.
Late-evening: Eat a couple extra snacks/meals, and go bed feeling full and guilty.
And this happened for seven days in a row, literally.
I'm writing this blog entry more for me than anyone else, in the hopes that today is different. In the hopes that I can somehow transcend this pattern that's been showing up for me the past seven days. This blog is my prayer that things will turn around today and feel easier and lighter. I do not have an answer for why this happened, and maybe an explanation isn't even relevant. What matters is this: this blog and journey is not about a straight line to success. It's about trying to be really strong when it would be easier to go back into old patterns of conditioning and behavior.
On Saturday I walked by a mirror and was genuinely surprised not to see a fat person looking back at me. Say what? Yes, for all my wisdom and work I am doing to love myself and heal my relationship with food, I still have those kinds of moments.
This week has been really positive for other reasons: I had some extra time off and was able to practice yoga more, I also meditated quite a bit, I got to spend time with people I love, and I did some soul-work which is helping me to feel more open to the possibility of love in my life. I don't know why the food piece wasn't there, but it just wasn't.
Something else worth mentioning: when I am struggling, it helps me to reach out. This is why I am so public on facebook and so transparent in this blog. I need to know that there are other people out there who are struggling too, because we are all in this together. When I'm in a moment where I feel like the universe is not on my side or like I'm a total fuck-up, I need to talk about it. Because otherwise, I just turn it round and round in my mind, and that's where it can get overwhelming and feel out of control.
So, here's to today. I really hope this cloud of heaviness lifts and I can get back to feeling light and alive. Maybe if all my readers commit to their own lightness and ease, I'll feel the collective sigh and somehow find my way back...thank you everyone for your continued love and support!
Shake the dust from Anis Mojgani on Vimeo.
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