Day 87: Inviting in Flow

This week has been significantly better than last. Partly because of my blog prayer, but mostly because of my awesome and insightful therapist.

On Monday, when I came in to see her freaking out about what had been going on with food the past 10 days, she said this to me: "You are in the flow in every other area of your life, so why don't you let yourself be in the flow with food? You obviously are capable, since you do it everywhere else."

Um, yeah. She is right. I often times allow myself to be flexible and easy-going in every other facet of my life, but when it comes to eating, I am a control freak. I am afraid of not being in charge, for fear that if I'm not super strict and restrictive with myself, all hell will break loose and I will go off the deep end and eat and eat and eat.

So this week was an experiment in riding the waves. If I was hungry, I ate something. If I wasn't, I tried not to. But I've been emotionally eating pretty much since birth, so it's going to take a while to stop that behavior. And I'm starting to feel ok with knowing that it will take time, which is a big step forward in itself. Not here for a quick fix. I already did the easy part, which is abstaining from foods that don't feel right for me. Now is the hard part, which I think brought on my frustrations last week: actually changing the patterns and behaviors that are so ingrained in me, yet don't really serve me anymore.

I should've known this was coming, because things had gotten way too easy and boring. Yet I was still blindsided by this internal upheaval. So now the task is to let go, allow myself to flow with the natural rhythms of my hunger, and trust my body. YIKES.