Sometimes I feel like there are two different versions of me. Not all the time; sometimes I feel more integrated and balanced and I'm not as aware of these parts because they seem whole. But over the past couple of weeks it's felt like there are Two Ninas.
The Nina that I really love is super disciplined, controlled, on top of her shit, healthy, and doesn't procrastinate. She finds the motivation to do yoga on her own in her living room and eats really healthy food. She stays on top of all of her work and goes to bed when she's tired and checks items off of her mental to-do list. She sounds boring as hell but all of these little things make her feel calm inside.
The Nina that I struggle to love, that I want to get rid of most of the time, is totally un-ordered, over-indulgent, out-of-control (not really, but that's how she feels compared to Disciplined Nina), and lazy. She overeats and feels guilty, she chooses the wrong foods that make her feel sluggish and gross, and she feels so far away from the part of me that I can love more easily.
I'm beginning to notice a pattern of being this first Nina for a few days, and then all of a sudden the other, sloppier, part of me takes over for a day. And I hate it. When I overeat until I'm so full that it's all I can think about, I feel like the yoga practice I did earlier in the day doesn't even count. It feels like the things that I did that make sense aren't there anymore because all that's there is this awful feeling that I can't stand to be inside.
So....do I get really strict again, like I did for 100 Days last winter? That worked really well for me and helped me find a more balanced place once it was over. Or do I just try to love this part of me that I hate? Both?
I don't know. But I feel like something has to change because this cycle is draining me. I know that sometimes you have to get really sick and tired of being sick and tired before making a change. I feel like I'm about to make a shift, like I'm standing at the edge and ready to jump into the next thing that's going to help me heal my food wound. It's not a wound that I ever think will heal completely, but I know it can feel better than this.
Onward...I'll let you lovely readers know what that shift turns out to be. :)
The Nina that I really love is super disciplined, controlled, on top of her shit, healthy, and doesn't procrastinate. She finds the motivation to do yoga on her own in her living room and eats really healthy food. She stays on top of all of her work and goes to bed when she's tired and checks items off of her mental to-do list. She sounds boring as hell but all of these little things make her feel calm inside.
The Nina that I struggle to love, that I want to get rid of most of the time, is totally un-ordered, over-indulgent, out-of-control (not really, but that's how she feels compared to Disciplined Nina), and lazy. She overeats and feels guilty, she chooses the wrong foods that make her feel sluggish and gross, and she feels so far away from the part of me that I can love more easily.
I'm beginning to notice a pattern of being this first Nina for a few days, and then all of a sudden the other, sloppier, part of me takes over for a day. And I hate it. When I overeat until I'm so full that it's all I can think about, I feel like the yoga practice I did earlier in the day doesn't even count. It feels like the things that I did that make sense aren't there anymore because all that's there is this awful feeling that I can't stand to be inside.
So....do I get really strict again, like I did for 100 Days last winter? That worked really well for me and helped me find a more balanced place once it was over. Or do I just try to love this part of me that I hate? Both?
I don't know. But I feel like something has to change because this cycle is draining me. I know that sometimes you have to get really sick and tired of being sick and tired before making a change. I feel like I'm about to make a shift, like I'm standing at the edge and ready to jump into the next thing that's going to help me heal my food wound. It's not a wound that I ever think will heal completely, but I know it can feel better than this.
Onward...I'll let you lovely readers know what that shift turns out to be. :)
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