I was in the middle of having coffee with my lovely friend Pam, and we were talking about how much I want to be a full time yoga teacher and studio owner someday, and how much I don't want to be a therapist. I've known this for a while, but today was the first time I actually said it out loud and fully acknowledged that I really don't intend to use my degree in the way I thought I would when I began grad school. Cut to Pam telling me that I can do anything I want and giving me tons of inspiration to follow my dreams, and me starting to feel out of body, dizzy, and faint. I didn't even feel comfortable standing up to get water.
After a few minutes of hydrating (I do think this was partially brought on by my big cup of coffee before water and a few hours away from breakfast), I thought I'd be fine so I got in my car and started driving home. Nope. Cut to me having a panic attack, for real, in my car. Not fun. After talking to myself in my car, saying things like "you are ok, you are ok, you are ok," I pulled over and ran into the nearest Starbucks to get water and oatmeal, and thought I'd be ok. Wrong again. I sat down and was breathing, eating, and trying to find my center, but when I called my brother asking him to come pick me up, I just started crying.
Lots of lessons here. First of all, I don't have a concrete answer for why I was crying because nothing was wrong, at least not on a conscious level. But I do know that emotions and feelings and experiences get stuck in our bodies, and when we do things like detox and break away from addictive behaviors, they begin to get released. If I had been in a hip or a heart opening pose when the tears started, this would've made more sense to me. But because it all caught me totally off guard, it was a little scary. I've had panic attacks before, but there has always been something that's caused them, usually emotional exhaustion or a strong emotional experience. But this one just happened, and although it was scary, it was also a reminder that this is exactly why we need to watch our thoughts and emotions. Even if we say "I'm fine" (my mantra), we sometimes aren't fine.
After I cried and whatever needed to be let out was out, it was over. I was ok again, and I could drive myself home. When I got home, I just wanted to eat and find comfort in warm and nurturing food. It was such a clear moment of me seeking the comfort of food for an emotional upset. And I allowed it. I ate healthy things and I was hungry, but I was mostly eating for comfort, and I'm ok with it. I remember reading in one of Geneen Roth's food books about how sometimes, when you're in a binge and there's no stopping it, just saying out loud, "I'm bingeing right now" is helpful because it brings awareness to what is so often a mind-numbing activity. I wasn't bingeing and I didn't feel out of control, but I was eating in response to an emotional experience rather than the physical sensation of hunger, so in my head I said to myself, "I'm eating because I had a shitty experience today and this is making me feel better." Perfect behavior? No. But it's what happened and I don't feel guilty about it.
The point I'm trying to make is this: we have to take time to watch and be mindful of our experiences, emotions, and thoughts. Otherwise, they get trapped and stuck and then we react in old patterns or behaviors, and the same thing will keep happening. There is no doubt in my mind that the physical sensations of my panic attack (hands shaking, short of breath, feeling faint, etc) were directly connected to all that I've been uncovering and sharing over the past week, the lack of processed crap and sugar in my body, and my conscious realization that I want to keep pursuing yoga as my career.
Mind = body = mind = body.....unending. It's all the same, it's all connected, and I'm going to keep exploring my own personal experiences with food, thoughts, emotions, and physical reactions, because I really do believe that's where the freedom is.
I need a nap.
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