Day Four: On Being Present...

My favorite passage from the Tao Te Ching reads, "Stay at the center of the circle and let all things take their course." Today, as I hit day four of detoxing from sugar and all things processed, this was my practice.

I felt pretty fantastic during the first two days, but yesterday and today I found myself in full-on detox mood swing madness. Last night I was irritable and annoyed for no apparent reason, and today I had a mini-anxiety meltdown as I got ready for my family's Christmas Eve dinner. I'm almost one hundred percent sure that a week ago, I would have eaten something sweet to console myself. But since that option is no longer on the table, I had to just sit with my emotions. I had to just stay centered, and let my moods run their course.

What I realized from this is that it doesn't really matter why I was annoyed or anxious. And rather than try to cover up my feelings by eating or even just spending time thinking in circles around what is bothering me, I just said to myself, "I am really irritable right now." Or, "I am super anxious at this moment." We spend so much time (and by we, I am especially referring to all of my yogi, yogini, and future-therapist, analytical-minded friends) trying to figure everything out, trying to "get it," trying to make sense of it all, that we don't allow ourselves to just experience feelings for what they are: just feelings. They don't have to control us, and to everyone who has struggled with food, in any way, shape, or form: we don't have to use food to cope with them.

This afternoon, as I was mid-meltdown, I just walked away from what I was doing, sat down in another room, and said, "Wow. I'm really anxious." And then it dissipated. I know it won't always happen like that, but it was pretty awesome. By taking emotional eating out of the equation and by deciding ahead of time that eating to numb out any uncomfortable feelings is no longer something I'm going to participate in, I didn't really have any other choice but to just be with what I was experiencing. And it wasn't so bad; it was just anxiety, and it passed.

I went to a meditation class a few weeks ago in which the teacher discussed this practice. She had a very unique take on it, and it's something I've thought about ever since. She spoke about how in Buddhism and other spiritual traditions we are encouraged to be fully present with whatever is going on, no matter how painful the feeling-state is. But sometimes, it can be too uncomfortable to stay with pain for so long. So she suggested that when this occurs, we instead begin to observe where in our bodies we are feeling this pain or tension. This way, we are still being present, but we aren't becoming trapped in whatever uncomfortable feelings are there.

The biggest lesson for me from the past two days is that moods happen. Feelings happen. And shit happens. It's always going to, and it doesn't really matter why. It's just part of being human. Being fully alive, awake, and aware means that we experience everything, not just the good stuff.

Just more food for thought - no pun intended - on how it's really not about the food after all.