Today was all about experiencing fullness. Yesterday I wrote about moving with the changing tides of life, and today I explored one end of the spectrum: what it means to be truly full. Not just in my belly, but in my life.
This is the first winter of my entire life that I don't feel the effects of seasonal depression. The sunny days and milder weather, combined with my new found freedom around food are making this the first January where I feel as happy as I typically do in the summer. Today as I was practicing yoga on my own at home and looking out my window at the trees and sky, I thought to myself, "I am so in love with my life right now!"
I don't think I've ever had this in-love feeling on my own, and it's really special. My life feels so full and wonderful, and I know that part of the sweetness of this is because I'm no longer using food to numb out uncomfortable moments. Instead, I am experiencing them, breathing them in, and then letting them pass on their own. It's a lot less "doing" on my part, and I feel more calm and steady than I ever have.
I also experimented with feeling full today in the way that I ate. Saturday afternoons are the start to my weekend, and it's often very hard for me to let go of the past week and just relax (I know I don't have a stressful job and I'm very lucky, so I'm not complaining. I'm just stating that even I have a hard time letting go and doing nothing). Today, after I got home from teaching my morning classes, I noticed that I wanted to eat for the sake of eating and experience true fullness. I usually try and stop eating before I get too full, since I have a history of overeating way past a healthy level of satiety. But today, I just wanted to experience a full belly, so I did.
I really enjoyed all of the foods that I ate. I enjoyed eating for the pleasure of eating. It felt really good to me. This isn't a way I want to eat every day, but it was lovely to experience it for an afternoon. My belly got very full and I didn't hate it. I didn't feel fat or gross or ugly, I just felt full. This might not sound like a big deal, but it is. Being comfortable with feeling full is not something I've ever felt in the past. I can't believe what a shift I've experienced since this journey began.
(Just as an FYI: I did not sit around and binge eat this afternoon. It wasn't a food free-for-all, and I still stuck to my vegan, unprocessed, no sugar foods. I just didn't worry about examining my hunger levels, and I ate because I wanted to taste something good.)
I want to keep welcoming in the fullness of my life. I want to be unafraid of saying YES. I want to step into my own power and take deep, juicy breaths. I want to arrive, awake and fully present, and just be.
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