Days 22, 23, & 24: Riding the Waves

The past few days have been very challenging.

I want to do bad things with bad people! Like go to Whole Foods and buy every item from the bakery and just sit and eat until I feel sick. There is this one bag of trail mix that I fantasize about every time I see it.

Or eat the entire box of chocolate chip and M&M cookies that my dad bought tonight.

But, I'm not going to.

Last week, I had about six days in a row of feeling strong, powerful, and happy. I had a sense of ease in my life that I hadn't felt in a long, long time. My mind felt free because I was happy with my body and didn't spend time worrying about what I looked like.

But then, something shifted. The past few days have been different. I got lazy (which I'm now blaming on Mars being in retrograde) and slacked on cooking. I started to eat out of habit rather than taking time to notice my hunger and fullness levels. I really do believe humans are creatures of routine...

But that is not what this post is about. This post is about noticing the ebbs and flows of life, and understanding that there will always be shifts and changes. We may enjoy routine and habit, but we are not stagnant beings.

Thinking back to those six lovely days, I do recall the thought, "Maybe things can always be like this from now on and everyday will be AWESOME."

Yeah, right. Even though I know this isn't how life works, I still catch myself pretending that maybe, just maybe, I will find some way to be in an eternally sunny mood.

And then I realize how boring that would be. One of my favorite lines from the film Crazy Sexy Cancer (you should see movie this if you haven't) is, "We can't always be in the fire." To that, I'd like to add this: We can't always be in the light.

We have to have moments of boredom, dullness, sadness, darkness, blahness, etc. And to me, the task is not to try and escape them (which is what I would've done 24 days ago by eating my feelings). Instead, the task is to ride the ebb and wait for the flow. It will come. And then it will be gone, and so on and so forth.

Part of what's keeping me from caving and going on a sugar binge is remembering that in a few days, I'll feel differently. I don't know exactly how I'll feel, but I won't be the same as I am right now. I am choosing to trust that another flow is on it's way, and that I can continue to ride these waves as gracefully as possible, even when I have the instinct to throw it all away.

In this way, I'm also choosing to let go of my attachment to what happens, and instead be open to all of life, even when it kind of sucks. I really do believe there is beauty in the shitty moments.