Whole-Truth: I haven't blogged in 6 days because I've been really busy and I haven't wanted to face my shit.
Ugh.
This week has been strange. I found myself obsessing over how much I weigh, and seemed to forget that this whole thing isn't about my weight at all. Funny how that happened.
It started on Monday when I bought a new (and very tight!) red dress that I'm going to wear this Saturday. At first I was just excited to have an event to wear a dress to (cause my yoga outfits are getting kind of tired). But then it was like the dress took on a life of it's own. Everything I ate became about the dress. Would I still fit into it on Saturday? Would I look hot? Would I have to suck in my stomach the entire night? What if I don't look perfect? Can I manipulate how much I eat in the next 5 days to be even thinner on Saturday than I am now? And on and on.
By Thursday I'd lost a pound. Not very noticeable to anyone else or even myself. What I did notice, though, is how completely unsatisfying eating became. Why would I slow down and enjoy my food if I'm only eating to lose weight and fit into a dress? I wouldn't. So of course eating became annoying and anxiety-provoking instead of nourishing. I also noticed how easily removed from the present moment I became. Instead of enjoying the moments of my day, I was focusing on Saturday night. It was like Monday through Friday were only there to get me to Saturday. On Thursday morning when I weighed myself I also noticed how little I cared about losing that pound. Like, so the fuck what? It's not going to make me happy.
But I think this is all a good thing. Never before have I not really cared about losing a pound. I guess I am growing and moving past some old patterns, because in the past my entire day would've been marked as good or bad, depending on what I weighed in the morning. If anyone knows about letting the scale dictate moods, it's me.
And so even though I am happy to see that I am realizing that true happiness has nothing to do with what I weigh, I am also sad. Because now I can't rely on the scale to bring me joy. My weight has become inconsequential. And now my dress is just a dress again, and nothing more. It doesn't have the power to make me happy or sad. Kind of boring, but also kind of nice.
This whole video is hilarious, but if you're short on time skip to 6 minutes in and watch til the end:
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