I feel really strong this week. On Monday I subbed a yoga class in a room full of mirrors (YIKES!). At first I was freaked out and my "this is not yoga" rant was bubbling up to the surface. But it actually turned out to be a great experience. I've never been able to see myself teaching before, and it was kind of cool. I was able to notice my body in different poses, and what surprised me was how strong I looked throughout the class. I didn't look skinny, and for the first time in a long time, that was ok. I just looked strong and sturdy, and I keep thinking, "Whoa! Is that what I look like?" Luckily, it was usually followed by, "I am really strong and I like it!" There were of course moments of noticing imperfection, or wishing I didn't look a certain way in some poses, but I just breathed through those and let them go.
The day before I taught this class I went to my first OA meeting. It was really excellent and stayed with me the whole day, just like a morning yoga practice does. I understand that part of 12 step programs are not promoting or discussing them publicly, so I'll just say that it was truly a great experience and I'm going to continue to explore the 12 step path, through both literature and meetings. It feels like a natural progression of this journey.
I know that I'm only beginning to notice my own strength because I've allowed myself to be vulnerable, to be sad, to be open, and to just let go and trust my intuition. We don't get to be strong by muscling or powering through our lives. We gain strength by being real with ourselves, even when it's painful. We get real by facing our DDS (my new acronym for Deep Dark Shit) and accepting who we are. We aren't going to gain strength by berating ourselves or beating ourselves into who we think we're supposed to be.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF.
No comments:
Post a Comment