After 7 Days: Blah-ville.

The seven days are over and I feel kind of back on track. Sort of.
Like I said a couple entries ago, it's not so much about what I'm eating, it's about how I'm feeling about what I'm eating.

If I could sum it up in one word: Blah.

Maybe this is me not experiencing the highs and lows like I'm used to with food, and I'm leveling out. It's boring.

I'm beginning to realize what a thrill I get out of eating just the right amount to lose a little weight. That feeling when I get on the scale and I've lost a pound. But we live in a world of polarities, and the flip side of that is when I overeat, gain weight, and most importantly, feel like crap.

Perhaps the problem is that I've tasted the high, the sheer satisfaction and joy of losing weight and feeling thin, that I'm addicted to the ups and downs. I feel bored right here in the middle.

Is this what being a "normal" eater feels like? Is this what people who "eat to live" rather than "live to eat" experience? Food as food, rather than food as mood lifter, mood soother, procrastination tactic, or any of the other gazillion reasons we trick ourselves into thinking we need to eat? I wonder.

So here I am on this rainy day. I came home from work early and am snuggling up on my couch with a blanket and a bowl of ice cream. The ice cream tasted good (and we know that's hit or miss for me), and I've eaten more calories than I planned on. I think it's ok because I don't feel a binge coming on. I might go to yoga later. I might not. I'm starting to get that these little decisions don't matter as much as I'd thought they did; it's not the end of the world if I eat ice cream or if I skip yoga to nap instead. In general, I'm healthy. Maybe the practice now is to just be grateful for that.

Day 3: This is WAY Harder Than I Thought It Would Be

Days 1 & 2 of my little 7 Day project did not go at all as I'd expected!!! Not even close.

In fact, it did not even occur to me last night at dinner that I'm trying to practice stopping eating once I'm full. I blew way past full into uncomfortably full. Oops.

There was a moment, yesterday, though, where thought this: I just need to surrender. I just need to let go and trust that I will get back on track. Even though I feel so totally far away from the track. Even though I can't see it I know it's there, because I've gotten myself back on it a thousand times.

It helped me to say it out loud; last night after eating I told my boyfriend that I am struggling and want to get back to a place that feels good. He replied by saying, "You will!! You're gonna get back on track tomorrow!! You are!!"

Someone else believing in me allows me to believe in myself more easily. Sometimes that's all it takes.

This morning my body doesn't feel so great, but I feel calm because I'm practicing letting go and bowing down to this mind-thing I have with food that sometimes feels torturous.

Deep breaths.... and these helpful tips my friend Nina posted on facebook this morning ;)

I especially like number 6.

And the journey continues...

A New Change: Day 1

Heyo!

I'm really excited about blogging lately and I have a new abstinence-related project for myself.
I did a lot of brainstorming and writing last night and this morning, and I realized that this time around I don't necessarily need to abstain from certain foods. What I need is to abstain from certain food-related behaviors.

There are still certain trigger foods for me and I'm going to see how I do eating less or none of those for a while, but I'm really more interested to see what happens if I can change how I eat. Right now choosing to abstain from these behaviors for 100 Days seems like waaaaaaayyyyyy too long, so I'm starting with 7 Days. One week. I'll try to blog everyday over the next week.

Here's the actual list I came up with this morning of what kind of eating makes me feel crappy:

eating more than 1850 calories in a day

eating when i'm full

eating because "this day's already ruined"

eating because everyone else is eating

eating because if i don't eat i'll be hurting someone's feelings - WHAT?!

And here's what makes me feel good:

eating between 1500-1850 calories per day & doing yoga a few times a week

eating at least one meal a day without distractions/technology

treating myself to a piece of dark chocolate everyday

It occurred to me how often I get myself into trouble (and by trouble, I mean feeling ashamed/gross/too full/guilty) because I eat out of social kindness. I eat because everyone else is eating and I think I have to or I'm weird. Or I eat because someone made something and if I don't eat it, then I'll be hurting their feelings. I'm starting to realize that no one else really cares what I eat, so I might as well do what feels right for me in the first place.

I'm also beginning to understand that abstaining from certain foods and food behaviors is not about my weight. My weight's been really stable for the past 5 months, yet I've had so many emotional ups and downs. This is not about changing my body. It's about changing how I feel. When I eat past fullness or because I think I'm "supposed to," I am unable to be present with whatever is right in front of me. I can no longer enjoy and respond to the very moment I'm in, because I'm too busy freaking out and over-analyzing about food. It's so not worth it. I want to be fully engaged with my life and feel free and calm, not stressed and agitated. 

So this letting go of certain food behaviors is a kind of meditation for me. It's a way to be right here, right now, rather than off in food-drama-world. 

Here's to Day 1! 

xoxo

Two Ninas

Sometimes I feel like there are two different versions of me. Not all the time; sometimes I feel more integrated and balanced and I'm not as aware of these parts because they seem whole. But over the past couple of weeks it's felt like there are Two Ninas.

The Nina that I really love is super disciplined, controlled, on top of her shit, healthy, and doesn't procrastinate. She finds the motivation to do yoga on her own in her living room and eats really healthy food. She stays on top of all of her work and goes to bed when she's tired and checks items off of her mental to-do list. She sounds boring as hell but all of these little things make her feel calm inside.

The Nina that I struggle to love, that I want to get rid of most of the time, is totally un-ordered, over-indulgent, out-of-control (not really, but that's how she feels compared to Disciplined Nina), and lazy. She overeats and feels guilty, she chooses the wrong foods that make her feel sluggish and gross, and she feels so far away from the part of me that I can love more easily.

I'm beginning to notice a pattern of being this first Nina for a few days, and then all of a sudden the other, sloppier, part of me takes over for a day. And I hate it. When I overeat until I'm so full that it's all I can think about, I feel like the yoga practice I did earlier in the day doesn't even count. It feels like the things that I did that make sense aren't there anymore because all that's there is this awful feeling that I can't stand to be inside.

So....do I get really strict again, like I did for 100 Days last winter? That worked really well for me and helped me find a more balanced place once it was over. Or do I just try to love this part of me that I hate? Both?

I don't know. But I feel like something has to change because this cycle is draining me. I know that sometimes you have to get really sick and tired of being sick and tired before making a change. I feel like I'm about to make a shift, like I'm standing at the edge and ready to jump into the next thing that's going to help me heal my food wound. It's not a wound that I ever think will heal completely, but I know it can feel better than this.

Onward...I'll let you lovely readers know what that shift turns out to be. :)

Surfing the Urge

It occurred to me yesterday that now that I'm not blogging regularly or doing the 100 Days, I only write when I'm struggling and need to dump my feelings. Well, no more! This entry is my attempt to be a more regular writer and bring more light to the full spectrum of food experiences, not only the darker ones.

After I wrote my last entry, one of my amazing friends sent me a youTube video of a lecture by Kelly McGonical, and I can't stop thinking about it. In the video she looks at some of the research on willpower, and discusses the findings and strategies on how we can make it easier for ourselves to accomplish a goal, or to break a habit we want to break.

The video is a bit on the longer side, but it is totally worth watching:

Here are my top 3 takeaways from this video:

- Research shows that if we are compassionate with ourselves after we slip up or have a relapse (food, smoking, any addiction we are trying to quit), we are much more likely to succeed. If we feel guilty or shameful, it's more difficult to get back on track.

- Visualizing our predicted failures rather than our success is actually more helpful in achieving a goal. If we can imagine what and how we'll fail, or what it is that will get in our way before we begin, we can more effectively create strategies to counter these predicted moments of failure. For example, if my goal is to lose 5 pounds, it would serve me better to imagine all the potential roadblocks and then brainstorm on how I will handle them, rather than just visualize standing on the scale and the number being 5 pounds lower.

- A mindfulness technique called 'surfing the urge' is a great tool for when you have a craving, or know you are about to resort back to the behavior you're trying to change. There are lots of resources online that talk about this technique, but the video gives four easy steps:
           
           1. Notice the thought, craving, or feeling.
           2. Accept and attend to the inner experience.
           3. Breathe and give your brain and body a chance to pause and plan.
           4. Broaden your attention, and look for the action that will help you achieve your goal.


Pretty neat stuff, right? The part of my brain that understands science and research is probably the size of a grain of sand, but this I get. It is totally in line with everything I've read and understand about Buddhism, yoga philosophy, and mindfulness training. We have to let ourselves feel our feelings; if we run from them, they will eventually catch up to us. We have to be compassionate and loving towards ourselves, even in (especially in) the moments where it's most difficult. And, we have to commit to knowing ourselves on the deepest level. Healing, no matter what the ailment is, is a practice in self-awareness.

I'm off to 'surf the urge'.... I'll let you know how it goes!

Holiday Party MindFuck

Hey, peeps!

All has been quiet on the blog front because all has been easy & smooth (for once)!
I usually don't feel the need to write/spew/purge my feelings when life is humming along gracefully, but I've had an especially funky food week, so here I am.

I did something really (really) stupid this week, and I did it twice. I guess I'm a slower learner. I went to two holiday parties with this thought in my head: "I am not going to eat at this party. There will be tons of food and delicious snacks and everyone else will be enjoying them, but I will not eat one bit. I'm just gonna mindcontrol the hell outta this situation and overcome. I can do it."

Whaa???

Now that I write it here, I see how truly asinine these thoughts are. But at the time, I really believed I could do it. Turns out willpower is finite, my friends, and I could not. Fine, so I'll eat at a holiday party like everyone else does in the winter months. BUT herein lies the problem: Once I say that kind of thing to myself, I am setting myself up for a binge. I am creating huge, ridiculous, absolutely ludicrous expectations for myself that I cannot possibly meet. And once I realize that there's no way I'm going to be surrounded by delicious food and a party atmosphere and not eat, I realize that I suck and I'm not perfect like I was expecting I'd be. Let the bingeing begin.

Eating until I'm full, and then eating some more. Because hey, I already fucked this day up so I might as well really go for it and just feel as shitty as possible. I can go back to "normal" tomorrow.

It is amazing how even after this long, even after all of my soul-searching, my yoga practice, my 100 days, my self-awareness practice.....even after all of that, I become my 15 year old self again who is totally lost and caught up in a diet-binge-diet whirlwind cycle. UGH.

The good news is that I know what's up. I've been here before and I'll probably be back. No surprises in this story.

The bad news is that it really doesn't feel good, even though I know I have it in me to get back on track and keep on learning to love myself.

It's a strange thing, this tendency toward self-destructiveness and setting myself up to fail. But it's my teacher. It's how I learn and grow. It's how I keep moving forward. I'm not perfect and I need to remember that, over and over again.

Thank you, blog friends, for letting me share. It is more helpful than you know.

xoxo
Nina

Another Lesson on Self-Love Brought to Me by Ice Cream

Do you ever feel like you are over something, donezo, moved on, grown past it, and then...BOOM! all of a sudden there you are doing something you thought you were done with?!

That just happened to me.

I've had a really easy time with food for the past few weeks, and it's been refreshingly awesome. So awesome that I caught myself thinking, a couple of times, "maybe this is the new ME! maybe i'm healed FOREVER!"

hahaha little yogi...nothing is permanent :)

The rest of the time, by the way, my thoughts went like this: "This is amazing and I'm so so so grateful and I know this is just one part of the flow wave, but it's really beautiful, and I know it won't last but maybe I could ride this for a while, but I'll be ok when it ends, I can go with the flow..."

This afternoon I bought a bunch of my favorite protein bars on my way to work. In my car, I opened one and bit in and it was totally stale and disgusting and kind of smelled like play-doh. I finished my first bite, and then took another one to see if maybe I was....mistaken? I don't know.

I then decided I should not eat something that smells like children's modeling clay, so I opened another bar hoping it would be fresher. It was not. But I ate some of it because I kept hoping the taste would grow on me. And then I had this thought, "My entire food day is ruined. Even though I know logically that shit happens and sometimes you buy food that is stale, I know this is going to fuck up the rest of my day because I suck at dealing with shit when it doesn't go my way. Crap."

Self-fulfilling prophecy, much?!

So the rest of the day was ok....not much of a change in how I normally eat. But then when I got home, I went straight for the ice cream. (Why is it always ice cream with me?) I felt justified, like, I've been really great the past few weeks, so I can just do this thing that makes me feel like crap, because everyone has to feel like crap once in a while right?! I mean...I don't deserve for things to be going this well, so I might as well just get this crap-moment over with and then go back to feeling good tomorrow.

OH HEY, past behaviors of binge-diet-binge. Nice to see you again.

The good news is that I had one bowl of ice cream and I didn't stuff myself. The bad news is that I feel guilty about eating one bowl of ice cream. But this is the work, loving myself right here in this very moment of imperfection, and I'm doing my best at it. I'm thankful for this reminder that I might always have this food-wound, but it doesn't control my life the way that it used to. And I know that tomorrow really will feel good.

Return of the Blog!! ;)

Hi friends & blog followers!! I am so excited to back, talking about food, yoga, self-love, and all kinds of good stuff. I hope you'll join me in conversation about how we can all live healthier, happier, and more peaceful lives.

I knew I needed to get back to writing last week during a particularly overwhelming and stressful couple of days. As many of you know, I am crazy busy this fall as I complete my last year of school and continue to teach yoga and study astrology. Last week I felt totally exhausted and like my body was running on empty; my muscles and bones felt like sludge during my yoga practice, and my mood was a little low. This is nothing new for me, especially during this time of year. As the seasons transition from summer into fall and fall into winter, I notice a palpable change in my mood and energy.  It's really helpful for me to have some extra support systems already in place, before it gets too cold and too dark outside. Last winter, my blog was one of those support systems, and since I know I'm not the only one who feels a change in bodymindspirit during winter, I thought we could all benefit from this open space to talk and share.

I have to say, I am not very proud of how I handled my low levels of energy last week. My first reaction was to get really angry at my body for not performing the way I wanted it to, and to then freak out that focusing more on school this year means that my yoga practice (read: flexibility) is going to slip away. It felt like yoga was being taken away from me, and I did not like that. More than a few times I caught myself beating myself up, saying really mean things like "you aren't good enough" and "if you can't be perfectly awake and open and flexible in class then you're an embarrassment as a teacher." WHOA!! Now that I write it out, seems a bit extreme, no?!

Then, it suddenly hit me: YOGA IS FOR HEALING. My time on my mat should be a place where I can just be, where I don't have to do or teach or behave in any kind of way that doesn't feel natural. If you took one of my yoga classes last week after I had this remembrance, I shared it with you and reminded you to be as gentle as possible with yourself as you moved through your flow. Well, I want to extend that further and invite everyone, myself included, to be as gentle as possible to ourselves as we move through our lives. We might not be able to do it at every moment, but we can try. Change doesn't happen, well-being and health don't happen, when we are berating ourselves. We can't beat ourselves into feeling good, yet we still try to do it all the time. Instead, let's try and be a little more compassionate with who we are.

The answer is always self-love. Every. Single. Time. There's no way around it, so we might as well just start there.

Have a wonderful day, everyone, and I look forward to blogging with you again!!!
Lots of love,
Nina

Days 14-21: Self Sabotage

Every morning for the past week I've woken up and started off on a really good foot with food.
And every night I completely sabotage what was a healthy day of eating.
It's like I get to the end of the evening and I'm afraid to be done eating, so instead I stand in my kitchen eating ice cream and cereal.
I am trying to figure out what it is that I am afraid of, and I think I know.

When I was fifteen, I started Weight Watchers. I weighed 133 pounds, so I was not overweight. Not even close. But I had a couple friends who were doing it so I though I'd give it a shot too. No expectations, just curiosity.

I lost almost twenty pounds in two months, and I didn't have to work very hard. I don't remember being hungry or feeling deprived, only excited that every time I went to a meeting I got on the scale and had lost weight. It felt great.

What was not great was that people began to notice that I lost weight and started complimenting me. It was very confusing and I started to question what I must look like. I thought things like, "If people are telling me how great I look now, does that mean I was fat before?" I was not able to see myself clearly, and that is something I still struggle with: having a totally warped self perception. A lot of times I look in the mirror and am shocked not to see a fat person staring back at me because I walk around feeling enormous. Other times I look in the mirror and am totally disgusted by certain parts of my body. It's really hard for me to know what is real and what is my imagination.

After losing the twenty pounds in only two months, I went to New York with my family for Thanksgiving. It was my first time not being in my routine or eating my normal diet foods (it was my first time not in control) and it lead to my first binge. I remember going to Trader Joe's with my mom's cousin,  buying a box of chocolate chip cookies, and eating almost the entire thing that night. I didn't have the self awareness then that I do now, and I remember not really understanding what was happening. Instead, it felt like the binge was just happening to me, rather than me actively doing it.

This was the beginning of about a year of dieting and bingeing, over and over and over. Then I gained a bunch of weight, and lost it, and gained it again, and lost it again....I've been doing this ever since. I've had highs and lows, and years where I felt more in control than others, but I am always struggling with food.

So, when I get to the end of the day, and I've been very healthy and mindful (not restrictive) all day, it often feels like I'm depriving myself even though I am not. The lines are blurry and I think I go back to that place of being fifteen and on a diet, so by the end of the night I eat out of fear. Fear that if I lose weight, it will all happen again: the compliments, the body confusion, the bingeing and dieting cycle.

But I am not fifteen anymore. And I really want to move past this. I want to be able to eat healthfully and not feel the need to sabotage my day of eating mindfully. So I'm just putting it out there, asking the universe to please help me to do this. It would be awesome if I could go to bed feeling content and satisfied, instead of either deprived or ashamed. Isn't there an in between?

I hope the next 80 days can lead me to that balance and I can stop living in old patterns from ten years ago. So here's to that!

Days 9-13: Mouth-Eating

I've been doing a lot of mouth-eating lately.

What is mouth-eating? It's what I call eating when you aren't hungry, but your mouth really wants to taste something.

Stomach-eating is eating when your body needs food.

I mouth-eat all the time and it's a tough habit to break!

Today after lunch, my stomach was full, but I convinced myself that I needed something else. My meal did not feel complete even though my hunger was satiated.

I'm just sharing this as an observation and wanted to put the intention out in the the universe, in writing, to the blogosphere, that I'd like to stop mouth-eating so much and stomach-eat more.

Ommmmmmm

Days 5-8: Ego Love

I've been pondering the way that ego shows up in my life, particularly in my food/body/love life, and I'm here to say that I officially do not want to dissolve my ego.

I think I've been over-saturated with this philosophical notion that ego = bad. Ego = superficial.
But what if ego just equals our drive to achieve personal goals, values, hard work, dedication, overcoming fear, and moving into the life we want to create? This is my new definition of ego.

The past two weeks I've been really lazy. I think I was mostly just exhausted from the end of my semester (yay!), but I also thought it would be interesting to do a little experiment to see just how laid-back and un-perfectionist I could get. What I realized in the process is that ego has a purpose, and if we use it wisely rather than get carried away with it, our egos can serve us in a beautiful way.

The first few days of my little experiment felt really great and very necessary. I needed to not "do" for a while, and it was good for me to have down time to decompress from my semester. I watched a bunch of crap reality TV, ate a lot (sans sugar, of course!), napped, allowed myself to slack off from my asana practice a bit, and embodied the nature and life of a sloth.

But a few days ago, it started to feel like my chilled-out-ness was no longer serving my best interest. I missed working hard at something and feeling like I was actively pursuing my goals. One of my goals is to feel confident and comfortable in a bikini this summer. I noticed that during this period of down time, I started to feel really guilty about that goal. I felt like it was too superficial and was ashamed that something external, like feeling good about my body, was of importance to me. Aren't I only supposed to care about what's on the inside? Aren't I supposed to be this yoga teacher who doesn't care at all about what's on the surface, and only about what's underneath and on a deeper level?

No. I don't think so, anyway.

As I pondered some more, I thought about all the ways in which my goal-driven nature and go-for-my-dreams attitude has been a really amazing thing in my life. Without it, I would not be a yoga teacher. I would not be almost done with grad school. I would not have dared to start my first 100 Days, or be here now, in the beginning of this next round. I'm a make-shit-happen kind of gal, and it's something I like about myself.

It's ok that I want to feel good about my body in a bathing suit. It doesn't mean I'm shallow. It's not about what my body actually looks like, anyway, but how I feel about it. And I believe that feeling good is a marker that we are moving in the right direction. And I also believe that working towards and achieving a goal is a perfectly ok thing to feel proud of, especially if I can do it with awareness and curiosity.

So, here's to embracing my ego and yours. :) Tell me...how has your ego helped you??

Days 3 & 4: On NOT Dieting

It is a strange, strange thing to consciously choose each day not to diet, when it's what I've been used to for so long.

The past few months are really the first time in my life since I was 15 that I've been working on loving myself rather than changing myself.

Sometimes it's really hard. Yesterday I spent some time really thinking about joining Weight Watchers so that I could lose 10 pounds and feel skinny and happy for bikini season. But there is something in me now that knows that only leads to deprivation, highs and lows, and eventual weight gain.

So...what is there to do instead of diet?? Nothing, really. Meditate. Yoga. Spiritual practice. Mindful eating. Enjoying my life. No Drama.

But...I admit, sometimes I long for the drama!

I figured out the food stuff during the first 100 Days, which foods feel good to eat, which don't, etc., and I'm noticing that this round is more about me just being with myself and feeling content with what is. Just continuing to trudge along without sugar and feel happy in this moment because this moment is complete and beautiful on it's own.

Ahhhh....deep sigh.  

Day 2: Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!

I've been making chia seed pudding for a while now, and I finally found the perfect combo of ingredients for a sweet and sugar-free treat!

I wish I had a picture to share, but it was so delicious that I ate it all up before I thought to grab my camera.

Here's what you need:

1/2 cup almond milk - (or whatever kind of nut milk you prefer)
2 tablespoons raw chia seeds (you can get these at any health food store or Whole Foods; I buy Navitas)
1 tablespoon organic cocoa powder
1/2 tablespoon maple syrup (all natural, not Aunt Jemima's!!!)

Mix the almond milk, chia seeds, and cocoa powder in a container that has a lid. Stir it until most of the cocoa powder has been absorbed.
Cover it with the lid, and refrigerate overnight.
Before you eat it the next day, stir in the maple syrup (you could try agave or honey, too, but I like this the best).

Enjoy!!

Today feels great and I've been so moved by the intentions of all the other ladies who are doing this with me. We have a great group and who knows, maybe this will become something I lead, or write a book about...dreaming of possibilities.

Day One

I can't believe I just wrote "Day One" again.

But today felt like putting my hand into a worn glove that fit perfectly. There is so much relief in knowing that I'm doing this, because I know it leads to freedom.

My day was pretty boring food-wise, and since it was my day off, I spent most of my time sitting on my couch :)

I don't think I would have been able to do this a few months ago. No, a few months ago I would have been mentally beating myself up for not doing anything, for accomplishing nothing, for lacking in productivity. Part of learning to be more compassionate towards myself is allowing myself to have a "day of nothing" once in a while. I watched crap TV, I made some chocolate chia seed pudding, I drank coffee and green juice, and I started reading The Ramayana (one of my summer goals; it's almost 700 pages, ahhh!) So it's not exactly that nothing happened, it's that I didn't do anything with a goal in mind. I just did what I felt like doing in the moment.

This is so new for me. And, when half an hour before the yoga class I'd planned to go to this evening something else suddenly came up, I didn't sweat it. Shit happens. Life happens. This is where the real practice really is. So what if my back feels a little tight tomorrow and I can't do the splits every single time I practice. WHO CARES?!???

It's time for me to let go of my attachment to this idea that crazy poses = I'm good enough. I am already good enough, and so are you. And I got here by feeling my feelings, accepting everything as is, and being honest with myself about my issues.

I think Rumi says it best: "The wound is the place where the light enters you."

Welcome, light..... ;)

On the Eve of the Next 100 Days...

Hi Blog Family!

It's been less than a month since I've written but it feels like much longer than that. A lot has happened in the past few weeks, and here I am about to start my next 100 Days of vegan, sugar free living.

Since my last entry, I have totally backslided into my sugar addiction. It started slow: there was one day where I ate a cookie. Then I ate some chocolate on another day. Then i ate ice cream later that week. And this turned into me eating ice cream, plus cookies, plus other sweets all in one meal (and not really eating, but more stuffing) and feeling sick (physically & mentally) after. It is obvious to me that sugar is as real as any other addiction. In fact, last night I went on a total sugar binge and have felt "hungover" all day. I think back to when I was doing my first 100 Days, and how much easier my life felt. So that's what's inspired me to do it again.

The past few weeks have given me insight into how truly hard any addict must work in order to stay sober. I think one of the things that allowed me to just sort of forget about going to OA or being abstinent is that the idea of giving up sugar for the rest of my life terrifies me. Like, that is a huge fucking task. I finally understand why the motto of 12 step programs is "one day at a time."

So, I will be going about it in just that way, one day at a time. If I think about the possibility of me never eating sugar again, I will freak out and go on a sugar bender, guaranteed. So my task is to practice presence, and take it all as it comes. I'm excited to do this again and see how it unfolds!

I've also opened this up for others to join in, so there will hopefully be some guest blogging going on. If you want to join in, let me know! We will begin tomorrow. And you don't have to choose sugar to abstain from, you can choose anything that you'd like to experiment with cutting out of your life.

Despite feeling some disappointment about the past few weeks, I am happy to report that I've noticed one change that has stayed with me: being compassionate to myself. Not always, but more often. THIS IS HUGE. Also, my hangover today (read: dizziness) taught me something about my yoga practice. I was reminded as I went through my poses this morning just how healing and transformative yoga is, if we allow it. I've spent a lot of time in the past few months obsessing about advanced poses, rather than allowing myself to experience the beauty of yoga as a vehicle for self-love and enlightenment. Oops!

I can't wait for tomorrow & thank you all for following me on this journey!

Updates!

Thank you to everyone who's checked in with me since my last post. Your care and concern remind me that I am loved by so many amazing people.

Since then, I've started going to a weekly OA meeting. It feels like there's so much information, so I'm just taking it one day at a time. As many of you know, the 12 steps are based upon surrendering to god/universe/spirit/higher power, and although I've always been a spiritual person, I feel this relationship with something greater than myself beginning to deepen.

The other day I made something called a "god box." This was actually a suggestion from another book on spirituality and manifestation that I'm reading, but it blends with what I'm learning in OA. I took an old box that I've had lying around for a while, and decided that I would begin a practice of writing down on little slips of paper things that I want to let go of having control over (or thinking that I have control over), and instead allow the universe to handle. For example: I don't really want to be in charge of healing from food. I'd really like it if the spirit above could just do that for me.

It feels freeing to realize that I don't have to do everything myself and that I am protected by the universe. The picture to the right is of my god box, and I always leave it open a crack so that the divine forces can get in and see what I've written.

Switching gears a little, I wanted to share an easy recipe that I made to bring to a potluck baby shower (Hi, Deb!) today. I made a quinoa taboule, and it's really healthy and delicious. First I cooked about one and a quarter cups of quinoa, and then I let it cool. Later on I added about two tablespoons of olive oil, lemon juice from one lemon, diced tomatoes, scallions, and pine nuts. Voila!

Addiction is a Nine Letter Word

Every day since the 100 Days have been up, I've had the following thought: "Well, now my commitment is over so I'm allowed to eat whatever I want. No one is watching me anymore, or rooting for me, so maybe I'll just go back to eating all the foods I used to eat."

Each day this week it's been harder and harder for me to resist sugar and today I finally caved. And this taught/confirmed two things for me: 1. that I am a food addict, and 2. that I must really care about what others think because without the external support or the feeling that I'm accountable to others in my food choices, I don't make healthy choices. Oh hi, more work on self-love. Will I ever be done with you??

I ate coconut macaroons. It was very reminiscent of the ice cream incident back in December. They were delicious and I felt like shit eating them. I also could not stop eating them. I felt compulsive, I felt gross, I felt out of control, and I felt like I was relapsing. I felt like an alcoholic having a glass of wine. It's probably time to really commit to OA.

So...I guess now that the 100 Days are up, I have to commit to abstaining from sugar because I'm an addict and because I want my life to be happy, not because anyone is cheering me on or because I come up with an arbitrary number of days to try this abstinence thing on for size. I already did those things, so now's the real deal. I guess this is where the real work starts....

WHOA.

100 Day Follow-Up

Hey Friends,

I've been feeling like now that my 100 Days are up, I can technically eat or drink whatever I want, although I haven't really been interested in changing my diet. I did feel like a rebel badass ordering a diet coke last night, which obviously tells you just how tame I am. Nice girls for the win.

It was so sweet and delicious. But since I'm pretty sure diet coke is cancer in a bottle, this will not be a regular thing.

There is something I want to clarify from my last blog post. I wrote that I feel healed and like I've broken away from my emotional eating binges and cycles, and that is true. What I want to make clear, though, is that although my behavior has changed, a lot of my thoughts are still the same. The difference is that I don't act on them anymore. So it's not that I all of a sudden love my body one hundred percent of the time or feel confident and healthy at every moment. Actually, this past weekend, my "you should go on a diet" voice was ever present and I had to work really hard not to listen to it. I let it be there, I acknowledged it's presence, and then I did nothing. And that is the real change that these 100 days have given me. The thoughts are still there, I just don't give in to them.

I don't want to be one of those people who swears that BOOM! YOU CAN BE DONE WITH ALL THIS FOOD/BODY DRAMA FOR GOOD! because that is not what my experience has been. This truly is a process of recovery, and I'm still very much in it.

Next topic: I'm still going back and forth about eating frozen yogurt. And last night as I drifted off to sleep I was dreaming of cheese. Literally.

I have a few fears and hesitations about going from vegan to vegetarian. The main one is that if I do start eating some dairy, I can no longer say I'm a vegan and then people might serve me cheesy things that I don't really want to eat. The control freak in me would die.

The other concern is that I may get sick. After no animal products in my body for over three months, I'm a little scared of what a milk product would do to my stomach.

I'm sure I'll figure these things out along the way...just wanted to share where I'm at with my readers.

DAY 100!!!!!!!!

I made it!!!! Day 100 is here!

Yesterday I was having lunch with my wisest friend (yes, KC, of course you are my wisest friend) and I remarked how I've become someone I'd never thought I'd become. Let me explain:

For years and years I have been reading self-help books, books about food addiction and emotional eating, books about healing, wellness, yoga....I have a book case which rivals the self-help section of Barnes and Noble. And I was starting to feel really angry, because it seemed like the more that I read about promises to break free from food addiction and emotional eating, the more I struggled. I felt like I was being lied to and that freedom was not possible.

But now I'm one of those people who believes that it is. I somehow paved my own path, dug myself through, and got to the other side of this battle.

And it's not that I've landed somewhere. Instead, it is a constant process of trust, self-love, and open awareness. Now when I eat more than I'd like or when I forget to breathe and forget that I am loved, I see it for what it is: forgetting. I don't have to freak out because I know I can always come back to center. The past 100 days have taught me that I am ok. That I don't have to use food to deal with life.

The 100 Days may be over, but I'm going to continue blogging about my relationship with food (which is really just a mirror for my relationship with life itself). I feel a bit underwhelmed, and it's a good thing. If this had been a 100-day diet with a goal weight in mind, there would be the high of getting "there," or the let-down of not reaching it by today. But that isn't what this is about, and it does a feel a little anti-climactic. It's calming to be free from the drama of it all though, and I am so grateful.

Thank you, readers, for all of the support over the past few months. This blog would not exist without you, and my journey wouldn't be the same if I couldn't share it with my friends.

Now, on to the rest of my life....

Day 97: On Trusting My Body

It's Day 97 and I feel fantastic!

Major shifts have been happening, and I feel like I've settled into a new place with my eating. It's amazing what will happen when you let go of the reins, soften the hold, and let yourself go with the flow. Eating has felt much lighter these days, I haven't been thinking about food as much, and it feels as though I've come into a new and easy rhythm in my life.

I lost track of days this week; I knew I was somewhere in the nineties but didn't know I was this close to Day 100 until I counted this morning.

Since I'm coming close to the end (of the counting, not the new way of eating), here's what I really want to say: doing this has changed my life. Not just a little, but in enormous, earth-shaking, tide-shifting, mountain-moving kinds of ways.

I NEVER (EVER, EVER) thought I would allow myself to go with the flow with eating. Remember that post I wrote earlier, about how intuitive eating is bullshit, and I need to be on top of my calories, etc? Somehow I've bridged the gap between being on a restrictive diet and having total freedom, and listening to my body is a lot less daunting these days. I am learning to trust my body's signals, and I cannot describe what it feels like to actually honor the messages that I get about being hungry and full. I have spent YEARS ignoring those signals, and to finally hear them and know that I can trust them is something I never thought I'd be doing. Incredible.

This also makes me realize how little I trusted my body in the first place. What amazes me is now that I'm allowing myself to eat when I'm hungry, exploring why I might be interested in eating when I'm not, I find that I don't have an especially large appetite. I used to think that I fell under the category of people who were insatiable, nothing was ever enough, I could eat and never be satisfied, but that has changed. Maybe it's partly due to the fact that I've stopped putting processed and addictive chemicals (read: SUGAR) into my system, but I believe the real reason for this is that I'm finally relaxed about food. Once I let go of the guilt, and instead began to look at this as a process of self-inquiry, everything changed. Oh yeah, and that whole part about self-love helped a lot too.

A lot of you are reading this blog because you care about me and want to support me, which is amazing. But there are others of you reading who I know are in a place quite similar to the one I began in almost 100 days ago. To you, I say this: you can heal your relationship with food. Your journey will be different than mine, but I truly believe that the healing and peace that I've found is available if you set out to find it.

Om shanti....on to Day 100!